martijndegraaf1001

Reis naar Leven


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Continuïteit van Leven en Zelf-bemoediging – Dag 700

Continuïteit van Leven
Plotseling moest J opgenomen worden in het ziekenhuis. De volgende dag zag ik haar daar op de intensive care, aangesloten aan apparatuur die haar leven moest redden. Wederom gebonden aan een ziekenhuisbed. Later buiten was ik een tijdlang erg treurig. Ik had moeite om ervan af te komen. Ik begon me af te vragen welk woord zou ik in plaats ervan kunnen leven. Na een tijdje puzzelen kwam ik erop: de ‘Continuation of Life’, oftewel ‘de continuïteit van Leven’. In plaats van in de emotie van treurigheid te gaan, adem ik. Aangezien de treurigheid ontmoedigend werkt is ‘Vastberadenheid’ een woord wat hier ook goed bij van pas komt.
Zelf-bemoediging
Ik merkte terwijl ik 5 minuten ademhalen deed om mijn lichaam voor een moment rust te geven van mijn aanwezigheid, dat er een onderstroom van gewoonlijke zelfveroordeling is. Ik keek er naar en vroeg me af ‘kan dat niet anders?’ Wat zou ik in plaats ervan kunnen leven en ik kwam op zelfbemoediging! Iets wat ik weinig praktiseer en het bleek meteen een remedie te zijn, mijn adem werd ruimer. En is zelfveroordeling mezelf iets afnemen, zelfbemoediging is mezelf iets geven.


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Self-preservation and self-expansion – Day 699

Self-preservation
I noticed that I missed something, Ia lack of sorts, I felt it in my body, my head was slightly forward en my neck felt exposed, asking for what? And I saw that I needed someone to hold their hand there to protect me and preserve my life. I realized that hey, I can give it to myself. This was new to me, all my life I had felt this need for protection and preservation. I started to give this to myself and it worked, I felt preserved and protected. I kept my focus on it for a few days to make it normal.
Self-expansion
I woke up in the night from a dream. I was in a stable standing with my back to a wall and before me a beautiful yellowish cow, I stroke it’s neck and it moved a bit and suddenly I feared that I might be crushed. Immediately I woke up, feeling very claustrophobic. I didn’t get myself to calm down and I left the bed and didn’t go to bed anymore. Seeing into me I found the cause. The day before I had had some spare time and I decided to watch some entertaining videos. In doing so I had moved myself into a confined, limited ‘space’ for myself. Claustrophobically small. So in looking for a word to live as solution I came up with ‘self-expansion’. I’m still busy implementing this word for myself. When I have some spare time, I take a deep breath and rather look what I could do to expand on my capabilities, insights, activities.


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The law and my enslavement – Day 698

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel upset that measures were decided upon without legal ground and nevertheless executed.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed the creation of all kind of laws and such which led to the total enslavement of me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to remain totally unaware of the creation of my enslavement
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe the manipulations and deceptions that were used
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use manipulations and deception myself and therefor wasn’t able to stand up to those of others.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not question why so many acts would be necessary
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to let myself be deceived by myself thinking that everything will probably be ok and taken care of
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to let des-interest sneak in
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see the power of these written words and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can always speak up and declare what my rights are from a feeling of what is just and rightful and to believe that my words will then prevail.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that the words spoken by a living human being are worth more than the words on a piece of paper
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can always prove my innocense based on common sense
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that the words on paper don’t apply to me because I never read them and never signed them, was never asked nor informed, don’t have my approval
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to unconsciously let myself be directed by the principle ‘if I don’t protest I consent’ pertaining these official legislation
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that I create self-overwhelmingness by giving my acceptance for how this works and then spite the whole by thinking ‘I don’t care’.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to never have considered how I would like to have the process to create legislation to be
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to ‘bow my head’ for the perceived authority of legislators, not seeing/realising/understanding that I myself have the authority that I perceive in them, that I just project it outwardly onto them.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself not to heed the Roman saying ‘caviat  initius…the ‘policy of small steps’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not live the correction where I stop every little participation in the mind which add up to a construct within which I am entrapped and within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to let the same happen in the outer world
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that the disempowerment towards legislation starts with the inner allowances towards the mind
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not have exerted my authority where it comes to legislation
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have split myself in a point of authority versus a point of dis-empowerment
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create friction and conflict which only serves the mind and not the living man, within myself and so in the outer
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have a world where killing is a way for the ruling powers to execute their plans
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have legal acts sound beneficial for the people which only lead to further enslavement
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that I as mind speak words that seem to value another person while all the while they are binding them. Like in the song where is said ‘I cannot live without you’ which sound as proof of love and validation but in fact hold a claim on the other person
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that the deceptive language of the legal acts is the outer manifestation of this
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that what the powers that be do to maintain and further develop their powers is exactly the same what people do in their minds towards other people in their personal life: making secret thoughts about them and attaching qualifications to them without them knowing it
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manifest as a person, not seeing/realising/understanding that I in doing so have an entity acting in my name
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have the person as a extremely limited version of myself and to have this manifested in the outer where in law I am reduced to mere chattel property
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist in and as the containment of the mind, separated from my physical and to have this manifested in the outer as the containment field of the civil body within which I am lifted off the land


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Perfection construct – Day 697

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to be a perfect partner
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist opening up to questions of my partner about what’s going on inside of me because it will reveal imperfect points in myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist speaking self-forgivenes in her presence because I’ll reveal my imperfection
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try and be perfect as a way to be an interesting and acceptable partner
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be very angry that I cannot uphold my presentation and self-experience of being a perfect partner
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to build this construct instead of living intimacy in communication as the basis
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that the imperfection that I keep away will accumulate to such an extent that I’ll be overwhelmed by it and can no longer function as a partner
I live intimacy in communication instead of this construct
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed in myself for trying to live this construct
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to prevent my partner from asking questions about myself because it will only reveal my imperfection and she’ll regret that she chose me or even asked
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to prevent my partner from asking questions about myself because it may cause harm to the status quo of our relationship


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Fear of harming others – Day 696

perfectionI forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have this undercurrent of fear of harming another/others when I would be in a position of importance in their lives
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to therefor rather be unimportant to others
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to cause tension in my body from this fear
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to therefor rather do nothing of importance whatsoever
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to unconsciously accumulate the urge to do the opposite, to do something of importance all the time
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to distant myself from people who do important things and to feel comfortable with people who do nothing special
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to rather live in my comfort zone of doing nothing specifically important than taking on an important task out of fear of doing harm to others/another/myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to therefor don’t want others to play an important role in my life because i don’t want to bring them in a position where they, like me would be able to cause harm.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see myself as a person not to be taken too seriously
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel I don’t matter much
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed in myself
I redefine comfort as in doing nothing of importance into being comfortable with myself and my body here while being self-directive


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Anger and Hate – Day 695

Screen Shot 2016-07-12 at 12.33.44I had a kinesiology session with KimA and I needed to find two memories because In those moments in the past when I was 15 years old I created/allowed programs in my mind. These programs activate and from it I create sarcasm, hate, anger and jealousy. I didn’t have a means to handle those and the ‘solution’ that I found was to enjoy these emotions when they would come up. I want to correct these points in myself because it affects my body, they cause sinusitis. I didn’t even recognize the emotions as being anger and hate before the session. But I came to see that the anger I feel in my forehead and the hate I feel in my belly.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel anger towards myself for allowing the dog to run too far away
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for not speaking up when the leader of the group shouted about my hair.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be angry with myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hate myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be angry with my body for not moving so quickly as it used to
It’s funny, when I lived the correction, I was able to move faster haha
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be angry with me and my situation still being in the grant
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be angry with myself and just let it be
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not recognize my anger towards myself as anger
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to enjoy being angry with myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel intimidated when another person says something about me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that I need to keep my mouth shut when another person says something about me.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to start to hate myself when I don’t know what to say
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see how I can direct without using anger
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel clumsy with the situation that the leader shouted and I didn’t know hat to say
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel intimidated due to the loudness of his voice
Ik vergeef mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard te hebben me aangetast te voelen in mijn waardigheid door zijn opmerking en de manier waarop hij die uitte
Ik vergeef mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard te hebben niet te zien/te begrijpen/me te realiseren dat een ander zich onsterfelijk belachelijk maakt door over mij te spreken zonder te weten waarover/over wie hij/zij het heeft
Ik vergeef mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard te hebben mezelf gekwetst en beschadigd te voelen wanneer een ander over mij spreekt
Ik vergeef mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard te hebben kwaad te worden op mezelf wanneer ik mij gekwetst en beschadigd voel
Ik vergeef mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard te hebben mezelf te haten als ik niet weet wat te zeggen in zulke momenten.
Ik neem me voor om in zulke momenten iets te zeggen in de trant van ‘ik zou mezelf kunnen haten om wat je hier zegt’ of andere creatieve oplossingen afhankelijk van het gezelschap waarin ik me bevind.
Ik zeg natuurlijk ook zelf dingen over mezelf in mijn gedachten die maken dat ik mezelf haat of boos wordt op mezelf. Dus dat is nog een aandachtspuntje.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to live in and as sarcasm
This I need to see in the moments where it is here as me. It’s a bit all over the place.
Jealousy is what I keep going/existing because I can be jealous of people who are very active or who have reached important goals and within this ‘declare’ that I’m not so active and striving as them and keep myself on a diminished version of myself that I feel comfortable with.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to remain in and as jealousy for me to be in my comfort zone
I’ll have to see how that goes, if I’m able and willing to change something in this point.


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Mapping out Self-judgement – Day 694

mappingI forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not productive at times
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see me judging myself as such. I see/realise/understand that it is a function of myself as mind. Instead I have a practical common sensical look at my goals and the available time and the actions that I could take to decide what to do
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to flee away from tasks as to not having to face that I don’t do them.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that I flee away from self-judgment
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to flee away from self-judgment
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that fleeing away from it works contra-productive
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself fleeing away from self-judgement. I see/realise/understand that I let myself be directed by a reaction in and as my mind. Instead I see into me what the self-judgemnt is about as a point of self-care
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not having clearly outlined future plans.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to interpret this as ‘I am not grounded’, ‘I am uncertain’, ‘I’m not taking care of myself’
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see me judging myself for not having clearly outlined future plans. I see/realise/understand that it is me as mind. Instead I see what I can get clear and where I need to do research and where questions remain unanswered for now. I could write it out as further self-assistance
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as in self-doubt when you say I have a weird look on my face. I see/realise/understand that this is a automatic reaction. Instead I stop it in the moment and see what energy I’m participating in.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my physical feel to want sex and participate in a reaction which causes me to look weird. I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself going into reaction to my own physical feel and instead I voice this directly.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for living ignorant of my legal status.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for thinking and believing that I am just the person how people know me. Not seeing/realising/understanding that I am also determined as a legal entity of sorts.
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself judging myself for this. Instead I learn and get to know what I am as such, what that means for my life and wether I need to make changes
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not speaking German so well. I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself judging myself for not speaking German so well. Instead I listen to videos with German speakers and I use online lessons to exercize speech
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge my body shape as in comparing it to how my body had been most of my life. I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself comparing my body shape to its shape in former times. I see/realise/understand that comparing is a function of me as mind. Instead I have a look if my body is well cared for nutrition wise and I have a look if I am really comfortable as to how it feels.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge my body for not going upright. I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself judging my body for this. Instead I feel in my body how it would like to hold itself to come to its optimal functionality
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that I judge myself. I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself fearing self-judgment. I see/realise/understand that It is a reaction of me as mind. Instead I see into me wether there really is a judgement in fact and if so I forgive myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge my voice where I hear it as to high/unstable/uncertain. I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself judging my voice as such. Instead I see into me if my groundedness needs attention
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as part of humanity when I see horrific animal cruelty perpetrated by other humans. I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself judging myself as part of humanity in those cases. I see/realise/understand that judgement is a function of me as mind, it holds no real value. Instead I work on practical implementations that will eliminate animal cruelty on the long run.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when and as I see myself fearing the complexity of the administrative body of society.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear the complexity of the administrative body of society
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself fearing this complexity. I see/realise/understand that I react in and as mind. Instead I use my thought power to understand how it was put together and how I can handle it to work well.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as part of humanity when I realize the advancements that were made available by inventors but that got blocked by interest groups. I see/realise/understand that self-judgement is a completely useless design in my mind. Instead I investigate and support inventions to come forth as the solutions they provide.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as part of humanity where we haven’t made access to money equally available to all. I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see me judge myself as such. I see/realise/understand that judgement is completely useless here. Instead I research ways to implement an equal money system and work towards implementation there of.
Later on in the night A huge fear came up and I saw it was the fear of self-judgement. I breathed and remained till the energy of it had gone.