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Perfection construct – Day 697

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to be a perfect partner
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist opening up to questions of my partner about what’s going on inside of me because it will reveal imperfect points in myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist speaking self-forgivenes in her presence because I’ll reveal my imperfection
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try and be perfect as a way to be an interesting and acceptable partner
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be very angry that I cannot uphold my presentation and self-experience of being a perfect partner
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to build this construct instead of living intimacy in communication as the basis
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that the imperfection that I keep away will accumulate to such an extent that I’ll be overwhelmed by it and can no longer function as a partner
I live intimacy in communication instead of this construct
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed in myself for trying to live this construct
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to prevent my partner from asking questions about myself because it will only reveal my imperfection and she’ll regret that she chose me or even asked
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to prevent my partner from asking questions about myself because it may cause harm to the status quo of our relationship


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Fear of harming others – Day 696

perfectionI forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have this undercurrent of fear of harming another/others when I would be in a position of importance in their lives
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to therefor rather be unimportant to others
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to cause tension in my body from this fear
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to therefor rather do nothing of importance whatsoever
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to unconsciously accumulate the urge to do the opposite, to do something of importance all the time
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to distant myself from people who do important things and to feel comfortable with people who do nothing special
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to rather live in my comfort zone of doing nothing specifically important than taking on an important task out of fear of doing harm to others/another/myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to therefor don’t want others to play an important role in my life because i don’t want to bring them in a position where they, like me would be able to cause harm.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see myself as a person not to be taken too seriously
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel I don’t matter much
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed in myself
I redefine comfort as in doing nothing of importance into being comfortable with myself and my body here while being self-directive


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Anger and Hate – Day 695

Screen Shot 2016-07-12 at 12.33.44I had a kinesiology session with KimA and I needed to find two memories because In those moments in the past when I was 15 years old I created/allowed programs in my mind. These programs activate and from it I create sarcasm, hate, anger and jealousy. I didn’t have a means to handle those and the ‘solution’ that I found was to enjoy these emotions when they would come up. I want to correct these points in myself because it affects my body, they cause sinusitis. I didn’t even recognize the emotions as being anger and hate before the session. But I came to see that the anger I feel in my forehead and the hate I feel in my belly.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel anger towards myself for allowing the dog to run too far away
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for not speaking up when the leader of the group shouted about my hair.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be angry with myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hate myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be angry with my body for not moving so quickly as it used to
It’s funny, when I lived the correction, I was able to move faster haha
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be angry with me and my situation still being in the grant
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be angry with myself and just let it be
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not recognize my anger towards myself as anger
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to enjoy being angry with myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel intimidated when another person says something about me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that I need to keep my mouth shut when another person says something about me.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to start to hate myself when I don’t know what to say
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see how I can direct without using anger
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel clumsy with the situation that the leader shouted and I didn’t know hat to say
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel intimidated due to the loudness of his voice
Ik vergeef mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard te hebben me aangetast te voelen in mijn waardigheid door zijn opmerking en de manier waarop hij die uitte
Ik vergeef mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard te hebben niet te zien/te begrijpen/me te realiseren dat een ander zich onsterfelijk belachelijk maakt door over mij te spreken zonder te weten waarover/over wie hij/zij het heeft
Ik vergeef mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard te hebben mezelf gekwetst en beschadigd te voelen wanneer een ander over mij spreekt
Ik vergeef mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard te hebben kwaad te worden op mezelf wanneer ik mij gekwetst en beschadigd voel
Ik vergeef mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard te hebben mezelf te haten als ik niet weet wat te zeggen in zulke momenten.
Ik neem me voor om in zulke momenten iets te zeggen in de trant van ‘ik zou mezelf kunnen haten om wat je hier zegt’ of andere creatieve oplossingen afhankelijk van het gezelschap waarin ik me bevind.
Ik zeg natuurlijk ook zelf dingen over mezelf in mijn gedachten die maken dat ik mezelf haat of boos wordt op mezelf. Dus dat is nog een aandachtspuntje.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to live in and as sarcasm
This I need to see in the moments where it is here as me. It’s a bit all over the place.
Jealousy is what I keep going/existing because I can be jealous of people who are very active or who have reached important goals and within this ‘declare’ that I’m not so active and striving as them and keep myself on a diminished version of myself that I feel comfortable with.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to remain in and as jealousy for me to be in my comfort zone
I’ll have to see how that goes, if I’m able and willing to change something in this point.


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Mapping out Self-judgement – Day 694

mappingI forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not productive at times
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see me judging myself as such. I see/realise/understand that it is a function of myself as mind. Instead I have a practical common sensical look at my goals and the available time and the actions that I could take to decide what to do
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to flee away from tasks as to not having to face that I don’t do them.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that I flee away from self-judgment
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to flee away from self-judgment
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that fleeing away from it works contra-productive
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself fleeing away from self-judgement. I see/realise/understand that I let myself be directed by a reaction in and as my mind. Instead I see into me what the self-judgemnt is about as a point of self-care
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not having clearly outlined future plans.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to interpret this as ‘I am not grounded’, ‘I am uncertain’, ‘I’m not taking care of myself’
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see me judging myself for not having clearly outlined future plans. I see/realise/understand that it is me as mind. Instead I see what I can get clear and where I need to do research and where questions remain unanswered for now. I could write it out as further self-assistance
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as in self-doubt when you say I have a weird look on my face. I see/realise/understand that this is a automatic reaction. Instead I stop it in the moment and see what energy I’m participating in.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my physical feel to want sex and participate in a reaction which causes me to look weird. I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself going into reaction to my own physical feel and instead I voice this directly.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for living ignorant of my legal status.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for thinking and believing that I am just the person how people know me. Not seeing/realising/understanding that I am also determined as a legal entity of sorts.
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself judging myself for this. Instead I learn and get to know what I am as such, what that means for my life and wether I need to make changes
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not speaking German so well. I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself judging myself for not speaking German so well. Instead I listen to videos with German speakers and I use online lessons to exercize speech
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge my body shape as in comparing it to how my body had been most of my life. I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself comparing my body shape to its shape in former times. I see/realise/understand that comparing is a function of me as mind. Instead I have a look if my body is well cared for nutrition wise and I have a look if I am really comfortable as to how it feels.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge my body for not going upright. I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself judging my body for this. Instead I feel in my body how it would like to hold itself to come to its optimal functionality
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that I judge myself. I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself fearing self-judgment. I see/realise/understand that It is a reaction of me as mind. Instead I see into me wether there really is a judgement in fact and if so I forgive myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge my voice where I hear it as to high/unstable/uncertain. I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself judging my voice as such. Instead I see into me if my groundedness needs attention
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as part of humanity when I see horrific animal cruelty perpetrated by other humans. I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself judging myself as part of humanity in those cases. I see/realise/understand that judgement is a function of me as mind, it holds no real value. Instead I work on practical implementations that will eliminate animal cruelty on the long run.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when and as I see myself fearing the complexity of the administrative body of society.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear the complexity of the administrative body of society
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself fearing this complexity. I see/realise/understand that I react in and as mind. Instead I use my thought power to understand how it was put together and how I can handle it to work well.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as part of humanity when I realize the advancements that were made available by inventors but that got blocked by interest groups. I see/realise/understand that self-judgement is a completely useless design in my mind. Instead I investigate and support inventions to come forth as the solutions they provide.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as part of humanity where we haven’t made access to money equally available to all. I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see me judge myself as such. I see/realise/understand that judgement is completely useless here. Instead I research ways to implement an equal money system and work towards implementation there of.
Later on in the night A huge fear came up and I saw it was the fear of self-judgement. I breathed and remained till the energy of it had gone.


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Crisis management – Day 693

crisisMy leg was still hurting from an accident and then I had the roots of a molar removed, also my elbow would hurt when I bent it and I feared possible consequences from the change of course that I had given to my life, all in all I had brought myself in a apparent crisis and my body reacted with dizziness, nausea and diarrhea. After three days I decided that I had to stop it, because it didn’t ‘go away’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel a fear attack
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not know the source
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear the wrath of the system
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear perishing
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear to face the wrath of the system
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must keep myself in a grid to have an acceptable placement in the system
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear stepping out of the construct that I had placed myself within as an acceptable member for the societal system
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I’ll be in a crisis situation in the future
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to expect a crisis situation any time
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to look out for and intrpret signs that a crisis situation is starting to unfold
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to already place a tension on my forehead as if looking into vast difficulties and trying to see a way through
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fantasize crisis situations that might occur
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that the voice of the other indicates that there is a crisis situation
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to perceive that the behavior of the other indicates that there is a crisis situation
After this I kept looking for any other signs that would restart or re-install the crisis program in myself, and delete them in the moment. I noticed for instance a ‘pull’ to my belly that would weaken it’s normal state and cause it to go into diarhea. A similar ‘pull’ occurred to my middle and lower part of my face which would have caused me to break into emotions of sadness and self-pity.
This way I was able to return to normal in a few hours time


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Never again take care of plants – Day 692

plantCorrecting myself in this point.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I shouldn’t take care of a plant because they all eventually die in my care
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the memory of trees I felt connected to, being felled
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the memory where four plants that I started to care for were cut of
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I would start to grow a plant from a seed too much can go wrong so I better not even start with that
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have agreed with myself that it’s better I never take care of a plant because I couldn’t stand see one die again
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think it’s a trap when I would start growing a plant
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel very angry with myself in my relation to growing plants
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in emotions of destruction and imaginations of the kind when I think of caring for a plant
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to expect a plant that I would grow to perish at some point due to something that I do wrong or due to things happening to it that I do not control
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to distance myself from a plant seed that I would put in soil to avoid despair in the future of it.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that my life is not suitable for taking care of plants because sometimes I am a few days away and I cannot attend to it
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to imagine that the life of the plant will be over soon so that I have no worries about it anymore
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel distrust like I cannot trust plants instead of seeing that I project the distrust in myself as care taker of plants
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to distrust myself when it comes to taking care of plants
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have the opinion that other people with the necessary abilities must take care of plants, not me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could plant a seed as a joke, as entertainment
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think that plants must fend for themselves and not depend on human interference unless that’s people with the necessary abilities/talents so that nature can have it’s way
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think it would be stupid to have me grow a plant
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself believing that I should never seed a plant or take care of it. I see/realise/understand that it is a belief that I have created based on memories.
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself imagining that a plant in my care dies. I see/realise/understand that it is based on past experiences.
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself giving in to thoughts and imaginations of dying plants in my care and emotions generated by those thoughts and images.
Instead I inform myself about the plant to be able to take care of it to the best of my abilities.


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Black Magic – Day 691

black magicI was walking with B on a sidewalk and a young man was walking in our direction. He was dressed in a black martial arts outfit and had some kind of silvery weapon holder attached to his belt. I looked at B and I saw a sudden emotional reaction on her face. Immediately I felt totally unstable, like I’m going to faint or vomit or both. We discussed what her reaction was and then I mentioned that mine was due to a pattern that KimA had pointed out, where I’ll react with fear to other people’s emotional reactions. So I forgave that but I remained as unstable as can be. What was the matter??
B said ‘maybe you reacted to this man as well?’ I saw into me and yes, to me he seemed to be a person that’s involved in ‘black magic’. I opened up the point assisted by B’s questions. It revealed that I started to believe in white and black magic forces when I was around 20. And I found that I since then had a dark forces compartment in my mind, lol, and every time I would hear of some evil deeds I would add energy to this compartment. I had separated myself from it as I saw dark forces as something to avoid. So I first had to forgive myself the separation (fear) to enable myself to look into this compartment. Then I forgave myself to have established it in my mind and the dark thing disappeared like a bursting soap bubble. I was speechless for a moment to see something that was real to me dissolve into nothing in an instance. Immediately I felt pretty stable and was able to enjoy the rest of the day. I decided to pay close attention to catch myself storing a dark forces energetic experience in my mind, to prevent the building up of a similar compartment. I realised that watching the movie ‘The Devil’s Advocate’ the day before had contributed to the accumulation of the energy to the point where it manifested itself as the projection of it unto this young man with the black martial art dress. And yes, there was a moment shortly after where I listened to a video about the horrible practice of children abducted and killed for ritualistic purposes where I saw myself making this inner movement as if saying ‘here are them dark forces at work for sure’, with the intention to store this in myself as ‘proof of their existence’. Instead I breathed till the energy was gone.