martijndegraaf1001

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What’s behind too muchness? Day 664

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that I am angry about the more and more events in my life.
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself missing the anger point about more and more events in my life by going along with others. I see/realize/understand that I give my self-direction away. Instead I take a deep breath and see into me how I am in relation to a new event.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to accumulate anger, suppress this and build a positive feeling on top of it.
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself accumulating anger, suppress this and build a positive feeling on top of it. I see/realize/understand that this is a method of me as mind. Instead I recognize i’m entertaining a feeling and I stop myself and look deeper into me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to ‘enjoy’ a positive feeling without seeing/realizing/understanding that it is carried by anger
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be angry with myself for not taking a moment and a step back to see what I will decide but instead go along with decisions made by others
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself being angry with myself for not taking a moment and a step back to see what I will decide but instead going along with decisions made by others. I see/realize/understand that I judge myself. Instead I take a breathe and see for myself what is my priority related to the goals I have set
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that underneath my anger is grief because of losing my simple life
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself not seeing/realizing/understanding that underneath my anger is grief because of losing my simple life. I see/realize/understand that I don’t want to admit that I grieve the loss. Instead I give myself the space to feel and express the grief for a moment to see what exactly it is about
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that there’s fear underneath my grief, fear of not surviving
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself not seeing/realizing/understanding that there’s fear underneath my grief, fear of not surviving. I see/realize/understand that I fear the fear. Instead I push myself to face fear and to walk through it.
imagesI forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that I’ll be going down in the mechanics of the world system
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself fearing that I’ll be going down in the mechanics of the world system. I see/realize/understand that fear is a function of me as mind. Instead I walk through the fear forgiving myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be mad at myself feeling that I bring  myself in danger of not surviving
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself being mad at myself feeling that I bring  myself in danger of not surviving. I see/realize/understand that I separate myself from myself in my mind. Instead I walk through my anger forgiving myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that I’m inadequate to direct myself in the world system of money and law. I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself fearing that I’m inadequate to direct myself in the world system of money and law. I see/realize/understand that fear is a function of myself as mind. Instead I walk through the fear forgiving myself to be able to investigate what I need to learn and practice
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that I rather destroy my life myself than to live in the expectation that the law system or money system will do it
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself feeling that I rather destroy my life myself than to live in the expectation that the law system or money system will do it. I see/realize/understand that I am in my mind giving up on myself. Instead I chose a word/words to live as self-expression like steadiness, interaction, communication
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can secure my existence by putting pressure on my body. I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself believing that I can secure my existence by putting pressure on my body. I see/realize/understand that a belief is a function of me as mind. Instead I secure my existence by taking all factors in consideration that are involved and make a practical and effective plan of action.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to place my body under pressure to try and force my existence. I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself placing my body under pressure to try and force my existence. I see/realize/understand that my starting point is fear in/as mind. Instead I take the life in my physical body as starting point
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that I’m in a mind set that I accepted and allowed when I was 7-8-9 years of age, where I was in a school with a very strict regime where I was fearful which I now project onto the world system of money and law.
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself accepting and allowing a mind set from when I was 7-8-9 years of age, where I was in a school with a very strict regime where I was fearful which I now project onto the world system of money and law. I see/realize/understand that this is a pattern in me as mind. Instead I stand up from  the pattern and I inform myself to get to know the systems as how they came into existence and how they exist today and how I can move through them
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Ignoring too muchness

toomuchI had pain in my left shoulder which I pretty much ignored. After some days I got pain in my left jaw and this I couldn’t ignore. Chewing was painful and it spread even into the rest of the left side of my face and up to all of my brain and down to my shoulder. What had I missed?
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to avoid looking into the point of feeling humiliated
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself avoiding looking into the point of feeling humiliated. I see/realize/understand that there’s a reaction in me as mind. Instead I forgive myself the reaction
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to regard myself as too small and therefor force myself to try and digest all of the events
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself regarding myself as too small and therefor force myself to try and digest all of the events. I see/realize/understand that it’s just a self-definition. Instead I forgive myself the self-definition.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that I need to see into me
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself not seeing/realizing/understanding that I need to see into me. I see/realize/understand that I’m distracted in/as my mind. Instead I bring my awareness to the front to see what it is that I’m missing
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that I’m in an experience of too muchness
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself not seeing/realizing/understanding that I’m in an experience of too muchness. I see/realize/understand that I am fleeing myself instead of applying self-intimacy. Instead I forgive myself for fleeing and I see into me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to disregard this experience of too muchness and try and digest all of the events.
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself disregarding this too muchness and try and digest all of the events. I see/realize/understand that this isn’t the appropriate way to process my experiences. Instead I write my experiences out point by point to apply self-forgiveness
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not address the point of too muchness but instead let more and more happen/pass so that it all even ads up to the too muchness
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself not addressing the point of too muchness but instead let more and more happen/pass so that it all even ads up to the too muchness
To be continued…


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Deep Fears – Day 662

fearThroughout my days moments occur where I sense a deep fear within myself.
Fear of the political climate becoming more extremely rightwing
Fear of ecological disaster due to climate change
Fear of financial insecurity, will I have the means to survive
Fear of the system, will I be confronted with limitations for my personal life due to new rules/regulations/laws
Fear of a person/other people that would want to harm me/my life
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that the political climate will become more and more right wing and that I won’t feel safe anymore
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that it is already so.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from what is already here as right wing attitude by going into fear
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself separate myself from what is here as right wing attitude by going into fear. I see/realize/understand that fear is a function of me as mind. Instead I stabilize myself in breathe and I do research into the causes of the rise of the right wing attitude, and I investigate with others how to prevent this in the future and we work together to create this change
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear ecological disaster due to climate change and I am not safe&secure anymore
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that ecological disaster is already happening
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from what is already here as ecological disaster by going into fear
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself separate myself from what is already here as ecological disaster by going into fear. I see/realize/understand that fear is a function of me as mind. Instead I stabilize myself in breathe and I investigate how we can restructure our society in a way that there will be life support for all who will be affected by ecological disasters.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear financial insecurity; ‘will I have the means to survive….?’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that it is already here, the whole economic system may collapse any time soon
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from what is already here as financial insecurity by going into fear
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself separate myself from what is here as financial insecurity by going into fear. I see/realize/understand that fear is a function of me as mind. Instead I stabilize myself in breathe so I can learn how to secure my finances to make sure I’ll have the means to survive, and to share with others the how to so that we can remain effective in creating change for all to have financial security in a new world system as life support
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself fear the system; ‘will I be confronted with limitations in my personal life due to new rules/regulations/laws….?’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that I already have experienced this
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from what is already here as more limitations within the system by going into fear
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself separate myself from what is here as more limitations within the system for my personal life by going into fear. I see/realize/understand that fear is a function of me as mind. Instead I see how to adapt my whereabouts to make sure that I can still receive support from the system for my life. In the mean time I can learn with others about the causes and how to change things the ‘without as the within’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that there are other people that want to harm me/my life
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that it is already so that other people want to harm me/my life, for instance with food additives, chemtrails, …
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from what is already here as harm to me/my life by going into fear
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself separate myself from what is here as harm to me/my life by going into fear. I see/realize/understand that fear is a function of myself as mind. Instead I stabilize myself in breathe so that I can see where and how I can prevent harm to myself and others and how I can learn from consequences and find and apply treatments to ease these


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A diminished self – Day 659

diminishedI sometimes find myself in a specific body posture that draws my attention and I feel myself in a kind of diminished version of myself.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as a diminished self
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as a weakling
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as a person of little responsibility
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as inferior and dependent
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to live out this character
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to let myself drift on the energy of this character
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to burden my body through living this character by pushing my belly forward and lowering my shoulders and pushing my head forward
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself going into this character. I see/realize/understand that it is a systematized version of myself. Instead I take a deep breath in and out and I see how to express and direct myself according to my goals to be effective in the moment.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that existing in and as a personality is in itself a diminished form of self.
Furthermore
I see this polarity of being a grown up man who earns his money by his own efforts as opposed to this immature man that needs to be fed and cared for. Where I’m more identified with the latter.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that the first point of the polarity isn’t even real as it only exists in my mind in the polarity construct
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist in and as the polarity of being a grown up man who earns his money by his own efforts opposed to the immature man that needs to be fed and cared for.
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself existing in and as the polarity of being a grown up man who earns his money by his own efforts opposed to the immature man that needs to be fed and cared for.
I see/realize/understand that it is a polarity construct in/of my mind. Instead I see realistically with common sense where and when I need to do the effort and where and when I can let myself be cared for, both as a self-decision.


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Fear of spoken words – Day 660

imagesI notice that I often don’t hear well when someone tells me information. I often miss the first word/words and I tend to withdraw from the sound of the words while they are spoken. This leads to me not remembering what has been said and so failing to keep agreements. Which urges me to investigate myself ‘what is the source of this point?’.
I find that when I was a child at the time I started to understand words, my mother would speak to me in a loud and sharp tonality in an attempt to make me understand so it woud hurt in my ears. And I would try and protect myself by withdrawing from hearing. If it wasn’t heard it wouldn’t hurt. Similarity in sound here. I am going to correct this to make sure that I don’t automatically dismiss spoken words out of this old fear of getting hurt. I see that I project this point onto B
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to miss the first word/words when B starts to speak
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try and get away from the words being spoken
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to access the memory of my mother speaking in a loud and sharp tonality to try and make me understand her words
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to build an emotional energy charge of overwhelmingness and helplessness and fear of getting hurt on this memory which directs me away from hearing
I disconnect the charge from the memory and I walk through the charge breathing till the energy is no more.
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself withdrawing from hearing. I see/realize/understand that I made this reaction into an automated system which I let myself be directed by. Instead I direct myself in hearing spoken words, in the moment deciding on the degree of importance, and I place the information accordingly
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that I went into a self-suppression where I didn’t give myself the opportunity to speak up and say that I don’t need louder and sharper tonalities and instead would like more explanation to understand what’s being said.
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself suppress myself while listening to spoken words. I see/realize/understand that I let myself be directed by this automated self-suppression. Instead I keep standing in myself, breathing, hearing. Making sure I get the totality of the information.


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Fear containment – Day 658

I had been coughing for some days and difficulty breathing. One evening I felt really pain in my body. In the night I woke up and I saw into myself. I found a small vertical ‘box’, like a coffin (coughing) in my chest which consisted of like frozen fear. I realized that I had been storing fear in it to suppress and control it. I saw that this gave me a sense of superiority and power. I used it as a point of stability. The next morning I went on opening up this point. I spoke out loud a series of self-forgivensses. First I had to ‘pave the way’ by removing points like fear of getting overwhelmed by the fear If I would let go of this containment. And the belief that this was a solution to fear. And the harm I’d done to my body. And so on. Then I came to the question ‘what fear is in it?’. I saw fear of withering away. Fear of not surviving. Images of me not able to protect myself from cold weather and suffering illnesses and diseases and slowly dying off due to poverty. So I forgave all of this. When I was done I felt a relief. A bit later I decided to write some self-commitments to make sure that I would have a new way of handling myself in place. Here are some. Later on the day there were two instances where I noticed in myself the habit of relying on this containment for my stability and the notice that it just wasn’t here anymore. So a cool confirmation that I had been effective.
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself go into superiority by suppressing and controlling fear. I see/realize/understand that this satisfies me as mind. Instead I see into me to reveal to me the nature of the fear and I forgive myself for existing in/as it
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself being angry with myself for existing in control and suppression of fear. I see/realize/understand that my mind finds it’s way to generate energy from my inner conflict. Instead I stabilize myself in breathe and I forgive myself the self-judgement
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself judge myself for existing within the polarity of fear opposed to anger. I see/realize/understand that it is a construct in my mind. Instead I stand one and equal to these parts of myself so that i transform fear into cautiousness and anger into determination.
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself fear that I’ll wither away in poverty. I see/realize/understand that it is pictures in my mind that generate fear for my mind to feed itself with. Instead I breathe till I’m stable and I make sure that I do everything that’s needed to take care of myself
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself believe that I rather kill myself than wait till circumstances on Earth kill me. I see/realize/understand that believing is a function of myself in and as the mind. Instead I direct myself.
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself accumulating fear in my chest. I see/realize/understand that I as the mind try and make a source of energy for myself. Instead I live in and as breath as source.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have this fear containment as a point of self stability.
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself use the fear contaiment as a point of self-stability. I see/realize/understand that that I rely on my mind. Instead I rely on myself.