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‘Evil Conversation’

evilI was part of a gathering and the other people were in an ongoing conversation. I was waiting for it to be over, like I had experienced myself many many times during my life. I was moving in myself between anger and desperation. I tried to forgive myself but I couldn’t. At some point I snapped and started to curse and throw stuff around. When I was calmed down, I had a long introspection to see what this was all about. Fortunately I had the assistance and support of Barbara who asked many to the point questions and suggested self-frogivenesses.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to access a memory as soon as a conversation between others goes on for some time where I was as a child amongst grown ups where they didn’t allow me to talk when they were in a conversation.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react with the experience of being excluded and so separate myself from myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that I must hold on to anger and despair to still be someone
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react with the experience of being negated in the moment where I was told to be quiet
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that another can negate me what means that I have no validity
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I now only have the choice to accept the self-definiton of ‘I’m the negated one with no validity’ or to go into anger and despair
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that from them not allowing me to say something that  I’m not valid
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to now think in ongoing conversations between others that I may not speak and that I’m not valid to partake and I thus manifest the pattern in myself where I immediately go into this idea of not being allowed to speak and not being valid thus not being able to partake in conversations
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create emptiness and aloneness in myself during ongoing conversations of others
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use anger and/or despair to fill myself with
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself feel overwhelmed by this pattern
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel myself victim to the anger
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience it as a unforgivable offence when grown ups tell me as a child to shut up
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel I have the right to be angry and that i need anger to stabilize myself and to feel alive
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself not live self-trust when others tell me to shut up
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not live self-care when others act careless by telling me to shut up
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to to not see/realize/understand that they exclude themselves from what I have to share
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create the self-definition and self-belief that ‘I am the one that is excluded’.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to each time others  have a conversation for some time I go into this self-definition
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to within this self-definition exclude me from myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into despair and give up on myself within this self-definition of ‘the excluded one’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into anger within this self-definition where I believe that anger is the way to express myself to be heard
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that i have to wait and sit it out when I am in the self-definition of ‘the excluded one’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not own up to myself but allow myself to be excluded from myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that ‘there’s no solution’ instead of seeing that this is spoken from despair and giving up on myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see removing myself as the solution instead of seeing that this is anger expression
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to exclude the others who are in a ongoing conversation as a point of ‘this is -apparently the norm so I now exclude you from me’ instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that this is spite expression
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to forget about myself where I believe that the others forget about me.
I don’t own up to myself, I can’t remember to have experienced myself differently in situations where others are in an ongoing conversation.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not participating in the conversation
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exclude myself when a conversation between others is going on for some time.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to wait and sit until I have excluded myself from the conversation
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project the excluding onto the others
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience that the others are captured by the conversation and are held hostage by it till it is done with them
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to now define the conversation as ‘not normal’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to now only see the solution of anger and despair
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that I lose myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in panic facing self-negation
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that I’m not able to walk through self-negation
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel wronged when others start a conversation next to me because I see a conversation as something we shouldn’t do because it holds authority over us and will exclude some
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that I lose you when you’re in a conversation with another/others because I become silent due to the pattern so the others are more alive and interesting
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that others are more interesting to you when you have a conversation with them because I go into the pattern where I invalidate myself when others have conversations
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that others are more interesting to you when you’re in a conversation with them because I go into the pattern where I negate myself, where I declare myself as not here/not alive
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that I am not allowed to speak up as myself but only may add some remarks that fit in the conversation
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that I may not question the conversation as such
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define a conversation as something where one must make oneself submissive to so that I cannot express myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that the conversation has an authority over me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create the experience that I must negate myself when another/others speak
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that the one that speaks the most is dominant, meaning the one that decides hat it’s about and for how long the conversation will linger on.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience a conversation as a competition where one must fight for space to express oneself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel it as unfair when another/others fill much more time in the conversation than I do.
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself defining a conversation as some evil entity that holds power over the participants and where I lose my people to and where one shouldn’t partake in or as short as possible. I see/realize/understand that this definition is a mind perspective. Instead I see that one can be directive in conversations all by oneself or together.
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself applying self-negation. I see/realize/understand that this is me as mind. Instead I stabilize myself in and as breath and I remain here
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself invalidating myself and not living the word self-care nor self-trust when I’m not asked into a conversation by others. I see/realize/understand that I get caught up in my mind. Instead I live the words self-care and self-trust
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself go into anger and despair in relation to a conversation by others. I see/realize/understand that these are solutions in/as mind. Instead I see how I can direct the conversation in a way that’s best for all
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself sitting and waiting till a conversation is over. I see/realize/understand that I’m living a pattern in my mind. Instead I involve myself right at the beginning of the conversation to decide upon it if and how it is best for all
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself believing that I lose you to a conversation and that you find your conversation partner more interesting. I see/realize/understand that this is a mind perspective. Instead I see for myself if the conversation is of interest to me and from here I decide if I partake or if I ask the others to please wrap it up.
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself believing that I will be lost to the evil entity that is ‘the conversation’. I see/realize/understand that this is a projection from the mind which is the ‘evil entity’ where in I’m caught up. Instead I bring myself breathing here in the physical moment
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself feeling wronged when others start a conversation next to me. I see/realize/understand that I wrong myself by accessing the reaction pattern in my mind. Instead I see what it is about  and I direct myself/what is here as the conversation in a way that’s best for all
 I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself judging myself for not partaking in the conversation. I see/realize/understand that this is ma as mind. Instead I could ask if they want to talk without me or that this is not the case
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself defining myself in relation to a conversation by others as the excluded one that needs anger and despair to be.
I see/realize/understand that these are mind solutions to a mind definition. Instead I define myself as breath here and I express myself in a way that’s best for all. Investigating as to how we will converse, just them, or me included. Keeping it short or elaborated.
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself submitting myself to the one that speaks the most. I see/realize/understand that this is me as mind. Instead I realize equality and oneness and I address the point of inequality
“hey could you wrap it up? I want to see what I could say about the subject and I need space for that.” is what I get suggested as a solution to prevent myself from excluding myself from what is here and from myself. I will see if that works for me.
“I need to concentrate. Can you wrap up the conversation? Or shall we split for the duration there of? Or do you want me to partake?/Or could I partake? (if I don’t need to continue concentrating perse)
I forgive the parents and their friends, the grown ups to be caught up in the mind and not seeing me here
At night I discussed everything with the others and everything was clarified. The next day a complete change was here. I was able to partake self-directive in the conversation and when I heard them talk from the other room I didn’t have the usual reactions. So I’m really satisfied with myself in this process of self-change.


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Killing the life in me – Day 672

kiesMy molar started to ache. But why…? I moved my attention into the area and investigated ‘how does it feel here’? I found anger! Investigating further I saw that anger is at the basis of many of my actions. I apparently believed that I needed anger to activate myself. I decided to forgive myself but in the moment I started I found myself switching into self-pity, where I felt like crying. I tried again and the same happened. It occurred to me that I was caught in a polarity construct. I tried it the other way round and yes, concentrating on self-pity evoked anger! So I needed to hold both in my awareness at the same time and forgive them altogether. And so I did. I walked through the polarity breathing and came out at the other side so to speak. I remained vigilant because this was so much ‘who/how I am’ that there probably were more aspects to come. And so it was. I walked through those in the moment.
The next day I lived with my new awareness of anger being at the basis of many of my actions. And so I noticed during the day when I would feel anger coming up automatically as an old habit of which I now could say: hey, I don’t need you anymore, I can breathe and act from breath. This took and still takes practice.
Then late in the afternoon I found what was behind this anger. I was trying to understand the information someone was presenting to me and I saw how I was basically ‘killing myself’, killing the life in me as an ultimate offer to have knowledge and information. This reminded me much of school, where I felt that my life force as a child was used up for dead knowledge and information that had no relevance for living a life on Earth. How come that I accepted and allowed it…?
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to kill my life force to have knowledge and information.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself as life in order to exist in and as knowledge and information
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that I don’t deserve life anymore since I gave up life for knowledge and information
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to derive self-pity from giving up on myself/my life
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to derive anger from killing my life
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist in and as the polarity construct of ‘killing my life’ versus ‘giving up on myself/my life’
From killing my life force I derive laughter in decadence and from giving up on my life I derive desperation.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be limited in taking in information and knowledge
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that I am limited in and as fear and project this onto information and knowledge
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself existing in and as the polarity ‘killing my life’ versus ‘giving up on my life’. I see/realize/understand that this is a construct in my mind. Instead I exist in and as breath and I live the word ‘mildness’
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself fearing that I’ll be limited in understanding knowledge and information. I see/realize/understand that fear is the limitation in and as mind. Instead I keep breathing to keep my awareness.
So today, the next day, I face this point of killing and giving up the life in me. It was hard to get the polarity in my awareness in it’s totality. The points seemed to be very far apart. Anyways I forgive it/walk through it.


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Never organize something – Day 671

–>I want to organize the guys chat

–>–>I put myself under pressure

–>–>–>I start to feel really sick/uncomfortable/knot in my stomach

–>–>–>–>a memeory comes up where I as a child didn’t follow up on an appointment

–>–>–>–>–>I had told two friends to show them how to climb a wall

–>–>–>–>–>–>later on I decided that I found it too dangerous and I didn’t show up

–>–>–>–>–>–>–>I didn’t inform them that I wouldn’t come

–>–>–>–>–>–>–>–>I felt disappointed in myself that I hadn’t been the hero wall climber

–>–>–>–>–>–>–>–>I judged myself that I let them down

–>–>–>–>–>–>–>–>–>later on they said to me ‘hey you weren’t there’

–>–>–>–>–>–>–>–>–>–>I didn’t know what/how to speak

–>–>–>–>–>–>–>–>–>–>–>I tried to ignore them/the subject

–>–>–>–>–>–>–>–>–>–>–>–>from this I decided to never organize anything anymore

downloadIf I organize something I will get stuck in consequences

Organizing something will have unknown consequences that I don’t want

If I involve others in my plans I will have to be able to speak in ways that I haven’t learned

If I cannot speak I’ll have to do away with these people which really hurts


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe/fear that if I organize something I’ll get stuck in consequences

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe and to fear that organizing something will have unknown consequences that I don’t want

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear/belive that if I involve others in my plans I will have to be able to speak in ways that I haven’t learned

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear/believe that if I cannot speak I’ll have to do away with these people and ignore them which really hurts
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself refraining myself from organizing something. I see/realize/understand that this is the consequence of a pattern of me as mind. Instead I take the practical and effective steps to organize.


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Finishing the Binary Options Trade – Day 670

I had won a bit and then I felt I could relax.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to do the trade in and as the polarity ‘effort’ versus ‘relaxation’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must take on a ‘effort state of mind’ to do the trade properly
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to switch polarities and then take on a ‘relaxation state of mind’ in which I then make ill considered trade decisions
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, when trading, to exist in and as the polarity ‘precision’ versus ‘just taking chances’.
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself existing in and as the polarity ‘precision’ versus ‘just taking chances’. I see/realize/understand that this is me living out a construct in my mind that prevents me from being here, equal and one with the movement of the charts. Instead I breathe in equality and oneness with the present moment to be able to move with the movement of the charts.
I let go of the BO trade. I investigated long enough to see that it isn’t a solution to make money. It’s just too unpredictable. I feel a bit sad and angry and also satisfied that I close the accounts.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel sad that the BO trade isn’t a way to make money for me.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel angry that I cannot make it to work for me.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel satisfied that I close the accounts.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel un-earthed that I lose the purpose that I had given myself with the trade
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel desperate about my inability to make money.
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself in reactions towards my decision to end the attempts to make money through the trade. I see/realize/understand that I’m in/as my mind. Instead I take a deep breath and I direct myself to focus on more effective ways to make money.
I am self-satisfied with how I processed many many points related to making money and winning an losing etc.


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Punishment and love – Day 669

imagesI forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist in and as the polarity ‘punishing myself for losing’ versus ‘loving myself for winning’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist in and as the polarity ‘fear for punishment for losing’ versus ‘desire for being loved for winning’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist in and as the polarity ‘expecting to be punished if I will lose’ versus ‘expecting to be loved if I will win’
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself living out these polarity constructs. I see/realize/understand that these are preprogrammed mind patterns. Instead I focus on the skills that I apply to develop them to my optimal potential.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make myself a game with the Binary Options by investing only 5,- at the time ‘so it doen’t matter so much if I lose’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that I am setting myself up for loss here
I recognize a pattern that my Mum lived out when playing games with us kids. Where she would deliberately not mind to lose and when she lost she would feel good about herself because she had already set herself up to lose so she got what she’d bargained for.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to live out the mind pattern where I decide to not care if I don’t win anything and to from that starting point lose and when I lose to feel good because I had set it up this way and now it has turned out the way I had set it up’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that I lose due to this ‘game of not caring if I  lose’
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself not caring to lose. I see/realize/understand that I cannot handle money effectively in this way. Instead I realize that I so much fear to lose money that I rather lose it right away, no longer having to fear the fear.
Here you see this point opening up. Let’s see what it is.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear the fear of actually losing money with no ways to gain any back.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to avoid looking into this fear
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is too dangerous to open up this fear point because it feels like ‘the darkness where my life will end’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear I’ll be lost within this dark ‘place’ in myself and that I won’t be able to get out
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that the truth of it will manifest that I’m without money and no way to gain any
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that I apply the ‘Law Of Attraction’ to have money, where I must actively believe ‘all the time’ that I will have money to make sure that it will be so
So this is quite the surprise to me, I didn’t see me as a follower of the LOA, but I see that it is so. Let me see how to correct this.
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself applying the LOA because I’m too fearful to look into my fear of having no money. I see/realize/understand that fear is a function of me as mind. Instead I walk through the fear to see into me:
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that without money I’m totally stuck
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that without money there’s no more perspective for me to live on
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that without money I’ll be in a darkness that holds me from where I cannot escape
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that having no money is the end of me/my death
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel light and a bit careless when I have money
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself in fear in the darkness of imagining to have no money. I see/realize/understand that this only exists in my mind. Instead I see that I have friends and family to turn to and also the municipality.


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Abuse as comfort – Day 667

After the self forgivenesses of Day 666, I was able to forgive him and I wrote an invitation to him to restore our business relationship. After that he removed me from his Skype. I did find a point of abuse from my side where I would let him do the work and I would just provide money and receive half of the earnings.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to abuse the person as to let him do the work and me just providing the  money and receiving half of the earnings.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel sorrow that our business relationship has ended by him removing me from his Skype.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to assume that he wanted to do me a favour
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that people basically are good at heart
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to later on think he wasn’t smart to do the effort and give away half of his earnings.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to then secretly let him do the business and to profit from him
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to let myself be abused in the way that I gave him the freedom to spoil the money, due to my desire for him to stick to our agreement for me to profit from him
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that I cannot live without the belief that people are good at heart
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that I use this belief to cover up my abuse of another whom I believe to be good at heart
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel miserable about having let myself be abused
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not ask the questions that arose in me to inform why he would offer me this service
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience setting myself up to be abused as comfort because it is a well known pattern
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself setting myself up to be abused as comfort because it is a well known pattern. I see/realize/understand that this is a pattern in my mind. Instead I stabilize myself in the moment here and I remain standing.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to automatically go along with the abuser, feeling that this is the best solution.
I commit to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself going along with the abuser. I see/realize/understand that this is my mind pattern. Instead I direct myself to bring the nature of the relationship to clarity to create an equal and one standing.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to speak words that are from the starting point of desire to feel comfortable in an old pattern
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to speak words from a starting point of abuse


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Trust and Anger – Day 666

imagesI had met a person online that learned me more about the Binary Options trade. I came to trust him and at one point he offered to trade for me. Shortly after he made mistakes and the money I had invested was gone.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to trust another to provide for me the safety of an income without having any reference to their trustworthiness
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself trusting another to provide me the safety of an income without having any reference as to their trustworthiness. I see/realize/understand that I let myself as mind be led by desire to have my income secured. Instead I make sure I am responsible for my income
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to within this give away my power and control
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself giving away my power and control. I see/realize/understand that I let myself be lead by the desire to have another secure my income. Instead I work on securing my income myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that the other person could be untrustworthy because I was blinded by my desire to be financially secure
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself desire to be financially secure. I see/realize/understand that desire is a function of me as mind. Instead I investigate and take the necessary steps do create this for myself.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that trust is something that needs to be built over time.
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself trusting a person without having build the foundation for it over time by questioning their whereabouts
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that an agreement is something that we’ll work out along the way
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself believing that an agreement is something that we’ll work out along the way. I see/realize/understand that this leaves room for deviations in all sorts of directions. Instead I work out the agreement before we start to have clarity. If something needs change then we need to agree on that too before we move on.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not provide myself the financial safety that I desire where I make myself dependent on another to do it for me
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself not providing myself with the financial safety that I desire where I make myself dependent on another to do it for me. I see/realize/understand that I come from the starting point of giving up on my own capacities. Instead I investigate and take the necessary steps do provide this for myself.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel very angry at myself that I have trusted a person without laying the foundation for trust
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel really angry at this person because he didn’t accept the trust that I offered to him
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel really angry at the reality that it can exist that humans cannot trust each other right away
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel betrayed
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that I am supporting a person who doesn’t want to be supported
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be angry that my anger won’t make a difference
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel angry that I cannot exert my anger towards him
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to look for ways to build my anger by supporting it’s presence in me with thoughts
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself in emotional reactions pertaining to untrustworthiness. I see/realize/understand that it is me as mind. Instead I let go of these energies and stabilize myself. I establish trust as far as it is realistic.