My molar started to ache. But why…? I moved my attention into the area and investigated ‘how does it feel here’? I found anger! Investigating further I saw that anger is at the basis of many of my actions. I apparently believed that I needed anger to activate myself. I decided to forgive myself but in the moment I started I found myself switching into self-pity, where I felt like crying. I tried again and the same happened. It occurred to me that I was caught in a polarity construct. I tried it the other way round and yes, concentrating on self-pity evoked anger! So I needed to hold both in my awareness at the same time and forgive them altogether. And so I did. I walked through the polarity breathing and came out at the other side so to speak. I remained vigilant because this was so much ‘who/how I am’ that there probably were more aspects to come. And so it was. I walked through those in the moment.
The next day I lived with my new awareness of anger being at the basis of many of my actions. And so I noticed during the day when I would feel anger coming up automatically as an old habit of which I now could say: hey, I don’t need you anymore, I can breathe and act from breath. This took and still takes practice.
Then late in the afternoon I found what was behind this anger. I was trying to understand the information someone was presenting to me and I saw how I was basically ‘killing myself’, killing the life in me as an ultimate offer to have knowledge and information. This reminded me much of school, where I felt that my life force as a child was used up for dead knowledge and information that had no relevance for living a life on Earth. How come that I accepted and allowed it…?
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to kill my life force to have knowledge and information.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself as life in order to exist in and as knowledge and information
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that I don’t deserve life anymore since I gave up life for knowledge and information
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to derive self-pity from giving up on myself/my life
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to derive anger from killing my life
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist in and as the polarity construct of ‘killing my life’ versus ‘giving up on myself/my life’
From killing my life force I derive laughter in decadence and from giving up on my life I derive desperation.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be limited in taking in information and knowledge
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that I am limited in and as fear and project this onto information and knowledge
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself existing in and as the polarity ‘killing my life’ versus ‘giving up on my life’. I see/realize/understand that this is a construct in my mind. Instead I exist in and as breath and I live the word ‘mildness’
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself fearing that I’ll be limited in understanding knowledge and information. I see/realize/understand that fear is the limitation in and as mind. Instead I keep breathing to keep my awareness.
So today, the next day, I face this point of killing and giving up the life in me. It was hard to get the polarity in my awareness in it’s totality. The points seemed to be very far apart. Anyways I forgive it/walk through it.