martijndegraaf1001

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‘Evil Conversation’

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evilI was part of a gathering and the other people were in an ongoing conversation. I was waiting for it to be over, like I had experienced myself many many times during my life. I was moving in myself between anger and desperation. I tried to forgive myself but I couldn’t. At some point I snapped and started to curse and throw stuff around. When I was calmed down, I had a long introspection to see what this was all about. Fortunately I had the assistance and support of Barbara who asked many to the point questions and suggested self-frogivenesses.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to access a memory as soon as a conversation between others goes on for some time where I was as a child amongst grown ups where they didn’t allow me to talk when they were in a conversation.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react with the experience of being excluded and so separate myself from myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that I must hold on to anger and despair to still be someone
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react with the experience of being negated in the moment where I was told to be quiet
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that another can negate me what means that I have no validity
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I now only have the choice to accept the self-definiton of ‘I’m the negated one with no validity’ or to go into anger and despair
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that from them not allowing me to say something that  I’m not valid
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to now think in ongoing conversations between others that I may not speak and that I’m not valid to partake and I thus manifest the pattern in myself where I immediately go into this idea of not being allowed to speak and not being valid thus not being able to partake in conversations
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create emptiness and aloneness in myself during ongoing conversations of others
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use anger and/or despair to fill myself with
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself feel overwhelmed by this pattern
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel myself victim to the anger
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience it as a unforgivable offence when grown ups tell me as a child to shut up
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel I have the right to be angry and that i need anger to stabilize myself and to feel alive
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself not live self-trust when others tell me to shut up
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not live self-care when others act careless by telling me to shut up
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to to not see/realize/understand that they exclude themselves from what I have to share
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create the self-definition and self-belief that ‘I am the one that is excluded’.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to each time others  have a conversation for some time I go into this self-definition
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to within this self-definition exclude me from myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into despair and give up on myself within this self-definition of ‘the excluded one’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into anger within this self-definition where I believe that anger is the way to express myself to be heard
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that i have to wait and sit it out when I am in the self-definition of ‘the excluded one’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not own up to myself but allow myself to be excluded from myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that ‘there’s no solution’ instead of seeing that this is spoken from despair and giving up on myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see removing myself as the solution instead of seeing that this is anger expression
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to exclude the others who are in a ongoing conversation as a point of ‘this is -apparently the norm so I now exclude you from me’ instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that this is spite expression
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to forget about myself where I believe that the others forget about me.
I don’t own up to myself, I can’t remember to have experienced myself differently in situations where others are in an ongoing conversation.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not participating in the conversation
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exclude myself when a conversation between others is going on for some time.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to wait and sit until I have excluded myself from the conversation
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project the excluding onto the others
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience that the others are captured by the conversation and are held hostage by it till it is done with them
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to now define the conversation as ‘not normal’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to now only see the solution of anger and despair
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that I lose myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in panic facing self-negation
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that I’m not able to walk through self-negation
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel wronged when others start a conversation next to me because I see a conversation as something we shouldn’t do because it holds authority over us and will exclude some
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that I lose you when you’re in a conversation with another/others because I become silent due to the pattern so the others are more alive and interesting
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that others are more interesting to you when you have a conversation with them because I go into the pattern where I invalidate myself when others have conversations
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that others are more interesting to you when you’re in a conversation with them because I go into the pattern where I negate myself, where I declare myself as not here/not alive
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that I am not allowed to speak up as myself but only may add some remarks that fit in the conversation
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that I may not question the conversation as such
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define a conversation as something where one must make oneself submissive to so that I cannot express myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that the conversation has an authority over me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create the experience that I must negate myself when another/others speak
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that the one that speaks the most is dominant, meaning the one that decides hat it’s about and for how long the conversation will linger on.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience a conversation as a competition where one must fight for space to express oneself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel it as unfair when another/others fill much more time in the conversation than I do.
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself defining a conversation as some evil entity that holds power over the participants and where I lose my people to and where one shouldn’t partake in or as short as possible. I see/realize/understand that this definition is a mind perspective. Instead I see that one can be directive in conversations all by oneself or together.
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself applying self-negation. I see/realize/understand that this is me as mind. Instead I stabilize myself in and as breath and I remain here
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself invalidating myself and not living the word self-care nor self-trust when I’m not asked into a conversation by others. I see/realize/understand that I get caught up in my mind. Instead I live the words self-care and self-trust
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself go into anger and despair in relation to a conversation by others. I see/realize/understand that these are solutions in/as mind. Instead I see how I can direct the conversation in a way that’s best for all
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself sitting and waiting till a conversation is over. I see/realize/understand that I’m living a pattern in my mind. Instead I involve myself right at the beginning of the conversation to decide upon it if and how it is best for all
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself believing that I lose you to a conversation and that you find your conversation partner more interesting. I see/realize/understand that this is a mind perspective. Instead I see for myself if the conversation is of interest to me and from here I decide if I partake or if I ask the others to please wrap it up.
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself believing that I will be lost to the evil entity that is ‘the conversation’. I see/realize/understand that this is a projection from the mind which is the ‘evil entity’ where in I’m caught up. Instead I bring myself breathing here in the physical moment
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself feeling wronged when others start a conversation next to me. I see/realize/understand that I wrong myself by accessing the reaction pattern in my mind. Instead I see what it is about  and I direct myself/what is here as the conversation in a way that’s best for all
 I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself judging myself for not partaking in the conversation. I see/realize/understand that this is ma as mind. Instead I could ask if they want to talk without me or that this is not the case
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself defining myself in relation to a conversation by others as the excluded one that needs anger and despair to be.
I see/realize/understand that these are mind solutions to a mind definition. Instead I define myself as breath here and I express myself in a way that’s best for all. Investigating as to how we will converse, just them, or me included. Keeping it short or elaborated.
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself submitting myself to the one that speaks the most. I see/realize/understand that this is me as mind. Instead I realize equality and oneness and I address the point of inequality
“hey could you wrap it up? I want to see what I could say about the subject and I need space for that.” is what I get suggested as a solution to prevent myself from excluding myself from what is here and from myself. I will see if that works for me.
“I need to concentrate. Can you wrap up the conversation? Or shall we split for the duration there of? Or do you want me to partake?/Or could I partake? (if I don’t need to continue concentrating perse)
I forgive the parents and their friends, the grown ups to be caught up in the mind and not seeing me here
At night I discussed everything with the others and everything was clarified. The next day a complete change was here. I was able to partake self-directive in the conversation and when I heard them talk from the other room I didn’t have the usual reactions. So I’m really satisfied with myself in this process of self-change.
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Auteur: martijndegraaf1001

I am currently in the process of re-creating myself from a selfish being into a participant of a group of individuals that works for what's best for life on Earth, which is what's best for all of us, because without life we have no existence. Desteni is the name of the expanding group. I am writing my Journey to Life blogs to deconstruct the patterns based on fear that I exist as and to share this, so anyone can see the process I am walking.

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