martijndegraaf1001

Reis naar Leven


Een reactie plaatsen

Small because of little money – Day 682

imagesI forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must make myself small to not be seen and spoken to because I have little money
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that another will speak to me and that I at some point have to mention that I have little money and therefor cannot do something or don’t have something what the other speaks of. Instead I see/realize/understand that I fear that I’ll start manipulating as my poor-man-personality is activated.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will scare off another because he/she might get caught up in considerations like ‘do I now have to pay stuff for him’ and they don’t want that. Instead I see/realize/understand that I fear that I’ll scare off myself by accessing this personality.
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself fear that I will scare off another because he/she doesn’t want to get caught up in considerations like ‘do I now have to pay stuff for him?’ Instead I see/realize/understand that I fear that I’ll get caught up in my poor-man-personality considering that I might get the other to feel like paying stuff for me
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself believing that I must make myself small to not be seen and spoken to because I have little money. I see/realize/understand that a belief is a function of me as mind. Instead I live the word ‘humbleness’ and I take full responsibility for my financial situation
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must make myself dependent on wealthy people in order to be able to survive
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must manipulate wealthy people to support me by waiting for the moment where they unconsciously don’t take in consideration that what they say only goes when having (more than enough) money, and I then point that out
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to wait for them to realise they don’t take poor people into consideration and they start to feel guilty/ashamed because of their wealth
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to then offer myself as the solution by mentioning ‘I cannot afford that’ and have them consider to support me with money or goods or other means to ease their guilt/shame
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that they will see through my manipulation and I’ll be left to my demise
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I forgive myself all of the above that my life will be over
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I forgive myself all of this that it is like giving up on myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have identified myself with this personality so that I experience it as ‘myself’
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself accessing the poor-man-personailty. I see/realize/understand that I limit myself. Instead I see that I can become effective in doing what’s best for all by seeing how I can assist and support a wealthy other in becoming aware of them excluding/ignoring/disregarding poor people when talking about matters so they can expand their perspective and also become effective in doing what’s best for all.


Een reactie plaatsen

Lessons I don’t want – Day 681

lessonHow come I don’t do my lessons? Let’s see how the point opens up.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not feel interested in my lesson
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that the lesson doesn’t make sense
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel indifference towards the lesson
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself start swearing to myself to make the lesson
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that I want to throw away my laptop
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to develop a physical horrible sensation throughout my body like a panic attack
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to access a panic attack when I enter the lesson
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not be able to comprehend what I read where even the lines are moving and where I forget what I read and cannot take it to my work sheet where it should be applied.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to lose myself in reading through the lesson without grasping what I should do
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that I understand the lesson
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that if I understand the lesson I create a problem for myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that a lesson is a trap because If I understand it it an be expected from me that I make the lesson and from there I am vulnerable to judgement about my results
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hate my elementary school lady teacher who physically attacked me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I rip her to pieces
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make lessons just to survive the school system
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to decide to never again make lessons if it’s not for my own pleasure and enjoyment
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to stay away from lessons as far as possible
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself wanting to stay away from lessons as far as possible. I see/realize/understand that it is based in a memory in my mind. Instead I investigate what the lesson can mean to me.
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself making lessons from the starting point of survival. I see/realize/understand that I am accessing a memory. Instead I see how I can support and assist myself with the lesson
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to access the memory from elementary school when and as I attend to my lesson.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to build an emotional charge upon it.
I dissociate the charge from the memory and I walk through the energy of it breathing till nothing is left
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself accessing this memory and/or building the charge. I see/realize/understand that it is me as mind wanting to gain energy from it. Instead I breathe in the present moment to be effective


Een reactie plaatsen

Me blaming the money system – Day 680

bankI forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think/feel that the current money system is causing desperation
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to live desperation I blame the current economic system for, which makes me ineffective to do anything in it that makes sense
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project my desperation onto the money system
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame the money systeem for being cruel
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand the cruelty that I am/feel towards the money system
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project my cruelty onto the money system.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that I am/my life is stuck because of the limitations the money system imposes on me.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand  that I am stuck in blaming, and project my stuckness onto the money system
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that the money system drains the life out of me.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that I drain the life out of me by holding the emotions and limitations in mind that I blame the money system for.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project that draining that I inflict on myself onto the money system.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame the money system/banks for being an unstoppable power that determines the reality that I experience
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand the unstoppable power in myself that keeps me going on blaming the money system/banks and projecting my issues on it, by which I determine my experience
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project this unstoppable power of mine onto the money system/banks


Een reactie plaatsen

Military force – Day 679

downloadI had a cough and barbara asked me ‘did you investigate if there’s something in the cough to discover about yourself?’ The next morning I found this.
That I have an unstoppable force of will in myself, that is like a military might. It shows as the image of a thick grey metallic rod that stretches itself forward all the time. There was a video on Facebook that we watched in the evening where there was a protest of men and they moved forward in a closed formation and some police standing in the way were just ‘run over’. I see that this force isn’t best for all life. So I correct this in myself.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have an unstoppable force of will in myself that is like a military might.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that this force is created from self-suppression
I see this force in my mother’s mother.
Imagine a river with it’s natural curves. The flow of the water is slow and it has the ability to nurture plant life and animal life in many places along its banks. Now the human comes and sees that it takes far too long to sail all these curves and he starts to cut them off and make the river straight and gives up the stream in the bends. Same here; when we as a little child explore and express, the parent comes in and says ‘you cannot be this’, ‘you cannot go there’, ‘stop doing this and that and that and that too’ and so we give up the natural flow of life as who we are. And we learn to follow apparent goals like following orders while we become blind to the self-suppressing nature thereof. We lose the nurturing property of life in and as ourselves. And from the accumulation of these moments of life/self-suppression we build a military-like force in and as ourselves that seems useful and powerful but is destructive in nature.
And so for a humanity that raises its children with no regard for their flow of life, the inevitable consequence is war/military occupation.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that this force isn’t best for all life and so not best for me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that I create this force from the accumulation of moments of self/life-suppression
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that I give up on my self/life in such moments
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that this apparent powerful force of will is characterized by giving up on my self/life
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that I use this force and ignore/am blind for the fact that I create consequences that are not best for all and thus not best for me.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that the combined militarized will in (almost) all of us create a society of systems that are harmful to life and thus to ourselves and will lead to war on many different levels.


Een reactie plaatsen

Victim versus Perpetrator – Day678

images (1)Looking deeper into the sore throat.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to be a perpetrator in order to survive
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to live according to the principle ‘you can only survive if you’re willing to be harmful’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to force my throat as a way to exert the perpetrator personality’s energy
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to identify with the perpetrator personality
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe I need the victim personality to survive
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use this personality to draw compassion from others
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist in and as the polarity construct of perpetrator versus victim
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself tensioning up my throat. I see/realize/understand that it’s the habit of myself as the perpetrator personality. Instead I relax the muscles of jaws, throat and upper chest and breathe.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel victim to my own perpetrator personality
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need the apparent strength of the perpetrator personality to survive
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself as life missing life by shifting into the victim personality
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself already before birth to accept and allow this polarity construct in myself as how I’m going to manifest myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not to talk about the sexual violence that was done unto me because I believed it was necessary for me to accept the extreme self-suppression in order to survive.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I’m to weak to survive and that I therefor need to develop a perpetrator personality
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that this weakness wasn’t me but the victim personality
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won’t survive now that I do away with the survival polarity construct of victim versus perpetrator
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try and avoid the experience of this fear in my chest and ‘lifting’ myself out of my chest.
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself fearing that I won’t survive now that I let go of the polarity construct
I see/realize/understand that this is just a belief of me as mind. Instead I take everything in consideration what practically needs to be done to secure my survival in a way that’s best  for all.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to so disbelief in my survival capabilities that I rather give up on before hand
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself in total disbelief of my own survival capabilities. I see/realize/understand that this is me as mind. Instead I investigate and apply practical ways to survive


Een reactie plaatsen

No more Cuddles – Day 677

imagesFor two days I have a sore throat. B asks me what is the cause? I feel I would want to cry and hold myself back. I decide to let it come up. A pain manifests in my jaws and upper chest as well. And a memory pops up where I as a child split into a victim and a perpetrator
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel fatalism for my mother not cuddling me so often
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself feel victim of this apparent neglect
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge my needs not being met as neglect
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge my mother as a perpetrator
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not just ask for cuddles
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to decide to not want cuddles anymore out of spite
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take on a harsh and cold-hearted personality to overcome the weakness of my victimhood
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that I separate myself from myself to exist in and as the polarity ‘weak victim’ versus ‘strong cold-hearted personality’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to initially identify with the victim personality believing this to be myself.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to in reaction to the apparent weakness of the victim personality to ‘decide’ to become a strong cold-hearted personality
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that I had already accepted and allowed this polarity construct as apparent solution before i was born.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have accepted and allowed to exist in and as the polarity construct victim versus perpetrator even before birth
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that I could have moved myself in and as breath to cuddle with my Mum. That I thus could receive what I give.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that by taking on the victim personality I am already perpetrating myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that I thus lose the ability to breathe and initiate a cuddle from breath