martijndegraaf1001

Reis naar Leven

‘I don’t know personality’ – Day 687

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I see that I had developed/accepted and allowed to let develop a personality that doesn’t want to be completely informed.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have developed/ accepted and allowed to let develop a personality that doesn’t want to be completely informed
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel resistance and anger when thinking that I would need to inform myself completely
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to to angrily resist that I would be fully responsible when completely informed
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to avoid responsibility by accepting and allowing myself to not be completely informed
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that the responsibility would be very demanding and tiring and feel like a claim on me, that it would dominate /possess me, that I would feel suffocated and dizzy.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to abdicate self by living responsibility as something outside of myself
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself avoiding being fully informed because of fearing responsibility. I see/realise/understand that this stems from ideas and opinions I held against responsibility. Instead I live responsibility as self.
Where my mother would say “je weet dat toch’! (you know that don’t you!). So knowing became something I associated with trouble, being guilty. So it seemed better to know not all information relating to a point and when something went wrong, where I didn’t fulfill expectations or wouldn’t perform satisfactory, and a person would say: well, you knew it didn’t you?’ I could always respond with ‘no, I didn’t know that’.
I see that I make myself a prisoner of the plans that B makes.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to by not informing myself completely, to make myself dependent on B to know everything.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give up my self-determination
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to to make myself a prisoner to the dependent personality and to project this onto B and the plans she makes
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to to feel that I cannot breathe, that I suffocate
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself feeling that I am imprisoned and cannot breathe. I see/realise/understand that I have entered a personality. I pull myself out of it and instead I make sure to inform myself sufficiently to be able to be self-determining/self-directing
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Auteur: martijndegraaf1001

I am currently in the process of re-creating myself from a selfish being into a participant of a group of individuals that works for what's best for life on Earth, which is what's best for all of us, because without life we have no existence. Desteni is the name of the expanding group. I am writing my Journey to Life blogs to deconstruct the patterns based on fear that I exist as and to share this, so anyone can see the process I am walking.

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