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Crisis management – Day 693

crisisMy leg was still hurting from an accident and then I had the roots of a molar removed, also my elbow would hurt when I bent it and I feared possible consequences from the change of course that I had given to my life, all in all I had brought myself in a apparent crisis and my body reacted with dizziness, nausea and diarrhea. After three days I decided that I had to stop it, because it didn’t ‘go away’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel a fear attack
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not know the source
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear the wrath of the system
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear perishing
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear to face the wrath of the system
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must keep myself in a grid to have an acceptable placement in the system
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear stepping out of the construct that I had placed myself within as an acceptable member for the societal system
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I’ll be in a crisis situation in the future
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to expect a crisis situation any time
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to look out for and intrpret signs that a crisis situation is starting to unfold
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to already place a tension on my forehead as if looking into vast difficulties and trying to see a way through
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fantasize crisis situations that might occur
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that the voice of the other indicates that there is a crisis situation
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to perceive that the behavior of the other indicates that there is a crisis situation
After this I kept looking for any other signs that would restart or re-install the crisis program in myself, and delete them in the moment. I noticed for instance a ‘pull’ to my belly that would weaken it’s normal state and cause it to go into diarhea. A similar ‘pull’ occurred to my middle and lower part of my face which would have caused me to break into emotions of sadness and self-pity.
This way I was able to return to normal in a few hours time
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Never again take care of plants – Day 692

plantCorrecting myself in this point.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I shouldn’t take care of a plant because they all eventually die in my care
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the memory of trees I felt connected to, being felled
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the memory where four plants that I started to care for were cut of
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I would start to grow a plant from a seed too much can go wrong so I better not even start with that
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have agreed with myself that it’s better I never take care of a plant because I couldn’t stand see one die again
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think it’s a trap when I would start growing a plant
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel very angry with myself in my relation to growing plants
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in emotions of destruction and imaginations of the kind when I think of caring for a plant
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to expect a plant that I would grow to perish at some point due to something that I do wrong or due to things happening to it that I do not control
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to distance myself from a plant seed that I would put in soil to avoid despair in the future of it.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that my life is not suitable for taking care of plants because sometimes I am a few days away and I cannot attend to it
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to imagine that the life of the plant will be over soon so that I have no worries about it anymore
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel distrust like I cannot trust plants instead of seeing that I project the distrust in myself as care taker of plants
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to distrust myself when it comes to taking care of plants
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have the opinion that other people with the necessary abilities must take care of plants, not me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could plant a seed as a joke, as entertainment
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think that plants must fend for themselves and not depend on human interference unless that’s people with the necessary abilities/talents so that nature can have it’s way
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think it would be stupid to have me grow a plant
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself believing that I should never seed a plant or take care of it. I see/realise/understand that it is a belief that I have created based on memories.
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself imagining that a plant in my care dies. I see/realise/understand that it is based on past experiences.
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself giving in to thoughts and imaginations of dying plants in my care and emotions generated by those thoughts and images.
Instead I inform myself about the plant to be able to take care of it to the best of my abilities.


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Black Magic – Day 691

black magicI was walking with B on a sidewalk and a young man was walking in our direction. He was dressed in a black martial arts outfit and had some kind of silvery weapon holder attached to his belt. I looked at B and I saw a sudden emotional reaction on her face. Immediately I felt totally unstable, like I’m going to faint or vomit or both. We discussed what her reaction was and then I mentioned that mine was due to a pattern that KimA had pointed out, where I’ll react with fear to other people’s emotional reactions. So I forgave that but I remained as unstable as can be. What was the matter??
B said ‘maybe you reacted to this man as well?’ I saw into me and yes, to me he seemed to be a person that’s involved in ‘black magic’. I opened up the point assisted by B’s questions. It revealed that I started to believe in white and black magic forces when I was around 20. And I found that I since then had a dark forces compartment in my mind, lol, and every time I would hear of some evil deeds I would add energy to this compartment. I had separated myself from it as I saw dark forces as something to avoid. So I first had to forgive myself the separation (fear) to enable myself to look into this compartment. Then I forgave myself to have established it in my mind and the dark thing disappeared like a bursting soap bubble. I was speechless for a moment to see something that was real to me dissolve into nothing in an instance. Immediately I felt pretty stable and was able to enjoy the rest of the day. I decided to pay close attention to catch myself storing a dark forces energetic experience in my mind, to prevent the building up of a similar compartment. I realised that watching the movie ‘The Devil’s Advocate’ the day before had contributed to the accumulation of the energy to the point where it manifested itself as the projection of it unto this young man with the black martial art dress. And yes, there was a moment shortly after where I listened to a video about the horrible practice of children abducted and killed for ritualistic purposes where I saw myself making this inner movement as if saying ‘here are them dark forces at work for sure’, with the intention to store this in myself as ‘proof of their existence’. Instead I breathed till the energy was gone.


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Judgement and angerrrr – Day 690

vagebondWhere I separate myself from myself and go into judgement and anger against myself, my behavior. I project this onto other people of whom I expect that they are angry with me or judge me negatively
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate me from myself and establish a judgemental and angry relation with myself.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to assume that I probably did something wrong or strange in the eyes of other people and they’ll now judge me or be angry with me.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that I do something wrong and strange to myself by separating me from myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project this onto others who I perceive to judge me and be angry with me.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react to this projection by feeling even more strange and out of the ordinary and  being even more judgemental and angry with myself.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself out of fear of being judged and evoking anger
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself separate me from myself, going into judgment and anger. I see/realise/understand that this is the in initiation of the pattern. Instead I breathe and stand equal and one with myself
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself believing that others are judging me and being angry with me. I see/realise/understand that I am existing in and as this mind pattern. Instead I stand equal and one to them. If they have judgement or anger towards me it is about themselves, just projected unto me, like the judgment and anger that I suspect they have about me is my own that I project unto them.


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Redefining words – Star – Day 689

woredsI forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see how star could be a word for life
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see star as a white hot mass that’s without any life
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see star as something you cannot even come near
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see star as a tiny flickering light very, very far away
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see myself as a star
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word star
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see what the word star could mean to me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to discard star as a word that’s applicable to me by a star being too hot and too far away
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not consider that a star creates itself into existence from the material that’s here and available
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see myself as equal to a star in this regard
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see myself as not equal to a star because of our difference in size and physical appearances
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react with irritation and disbelief to the recording by Anu
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have the opinion that Anu doesn’t make sense with his word redefinition plan
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have the opinion that I’ll never be able to live redefinitions
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that living redefinitions is as far away from me as a star
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have the opinion that calling something a star means that it is out of my reach
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to seek for ways to discredit Anu
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to accumulate anger about redefining words
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see the importance of redefining and living words
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel sad and powerless when it comes to the prospect of living words
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that it is not necessary in process to redefine and live words because in the beginning I never heard of it
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fee that the process of redefining and living words is being forced upon me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that it’s just to much to also redefine words
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see living words as myself
een begrip – the concept
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that I mustn’t give in to redefining and living words
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that I would give up my strength by doing this process
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I would lose me in this process
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that it is just too much to handle
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I resist redefining and living words I remain strong
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that this is a resistance personality
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist in and as this ‘resistance against the process of redefining and living words personality’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that I would lose my pride and self respect when I would redefine words
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel attached to my current definitions of words
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to remain in my comfort zone as how I have defined words for myself and live them
Nevertheless there are moments where I don’t achieve what I want because of the way I have defined my words
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that I by times don’t achieve what I want due to my current definitions of the words that I live


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Objections against responsibility – Day 688

Responsibility, the word, what comes up:
feeling tired
giving up
sudden weakness in the muscles
a blanc
a waiting
anger as in being vulnerable to critique
never doing/being good enough
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel tired when hearing the word responsibility
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel like giving up/walking away when I hear the word responsibility
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have a weakness reaction in my muscles hearing the word responsibility
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go in a blanc in my mind hearing the word responsibility
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of waiting when I hear the word responsibility
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become angry hearing the word responsibility because I fear that I’m vulnerable to critique when I’m participating in responsibility
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to to see myself as doing/being not good enough when hearing the word responsibility
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience responsibility as a trap where in I am alone with my responsibility and will be unable to fullfill expectations
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think anyone who says otherwise is insane/mistaken
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think I’ll never change my opinion on the word responsibility
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that I’m safe and secure as long as I don’t live the word responsibility
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I live the word responsibility life becomes complicated and a burden
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear to live the word responsibility
Responsible living means to me that I am present in what I do and don’t do to make sure that it is best for all. And in what I hadn’t been present in I bring it here and I make myself present in it to decide if it is acceptable or not.


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‘I don’t know personality’ – Day 687

I see that I had developed/accepted and allowed to let develop a personality that doesn’t want to be completely informed.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have developed/ accepted and allowed to let develop a personality that doesn’t want to be completely informed
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel resistance and anger when thinking that I would need to inform myself completely
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to to angrily resist that I would be fully responsible when completely informed
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to avoid responsibility by accepting and allowing myself to not be completely informed
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that the responsibility would be very demanding and tiring and feel like a claim on me, that it would dominate /possess me, that I would feel suffocated and dizzy.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to abdicate self by living responsibility as something outside of myself
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself avoiding being fully informed because of fearing responsibility. I see/realise/understand that this stems from ideas and opinions I held against responsibility. Instead I live responsibility as self.
Where my mother would say “je weet dat toch’! (you know that don’t you!). So knowing became something I associated with trouble, being guilty. So it seemed better to know not all information relating to a point and when something went wrong, where I didn’t fulfill expectations or wouldn’t perform satisfactory, and a person would say: well, you knew it didn’t you?’ I could always respond with ‘no, I didn’t know that’.
I see that I make myself a prisoner of the plans that B makes.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to by not informing myself completely, to make myself dependent on B to know everything.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give up my self-determination
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to to make myself a prisoner to the dependent personality and to project this onto B and the plans she makes
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to to feel that I cannot breathe, that I suffocate
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself feeling that I am imprisoned and cannot breathe. I see/realise/understand that I have entered a personality. I pull myself out of it and instead I make sure to inform myself sufficiently to be able to be self-determining/self-directing