martijndegraaf1001

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Anger and Hate – Day 695

Screen Shot 2016-07-12 at 12.33.44I had a kinesiology session with KimA and I needed to find two memories because In those moments in the past when I was 15 years old I created/allowed programs in my mind. These programs activate and from it I create sarcasm, hate, anger and jealousy. I didn’t have a means to handle those and the ‘solution’ that I found was to enjoy these emotions when they would come up. I want to correct these points in myself because it affects my body, they cause sinusitis. I didn’t even recognize the emotions as being anger and hate before the session. But I came to see that the anger I feel in my forehead and the hate I feel in my belly.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel anger towards myself for allowing the dog to run too far away
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for not speaking up when the leader of the group shouted about my hair.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be angry with myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hate myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be angry with my body for not moving so quickly as it used to
It’s funny, when I lived the correction, I was able to move faster haha
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be angry with me and my situation still being in the grant
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be angry with myself and just let it be
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not recognize my anger towards myself as anger
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to enjoy being angry with myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel intimidated when another person says something about me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that I need to keep my mouth shut when another person says something about me.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to start to hate myself when I don’t know what to say
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see how I can direct without using anger
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel clumsy with the situation that the leader shouted and I didn’t know hat to say
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel intimidated due to the loudness of his voice
Ik vergeef mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard te hebben me aangetast te voelen in mijn waardigheid door zijn opmerking en de manier waarop hij die uitte
Ik vergeef mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard te hebben niet te zien/te begrijpen/me te realiseren dat een ander zich onsterfelijk belachelijk maakt door over mij te spreken zonder te weten waarover/over wie hij/zij het heeft
Ik vergeef mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard te hebben mezelf gekwetst en beschadigd te voelen wanneer een ander over mij spreekt
Ik vergeef mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard te hebben kwaad te worden op mezelf wanneer ik mij gekwetst en beschadigd voel
Ik vergeef mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard te hebben mezelf te haten als ik niet weet wat te zeggen in zulke momenten.
Ik neem me voor om in zulke momenten iets te zeggen in de trant van ‘ik zou mezelf kunnen haten om wat je hier zegt’ of andere creatieve oplossingen afhankelijk van het gezelschap waarin ik me bevind.
Ik zeg natuurlijk ook zelf dingen over mezelf in mijn gedachten die maken dat ik mezelf haat of boos wordt op mezelf. Dus dat is nog een aandachtspuntje.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to live in and as sarcasm
This I need to see in the moments where it is here as me. It’s a bit all over the place.
Jealousy is what I keep going/existing because I can be jealous of people who are very active or who have reached important goals and within this ‘declare’ that I’m not so active and striving as them and keep myself on a diminished version of myself that I feel comfortable with.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to remain in and as jealousy for me to be in my comfort zone
I’ll have to see how that goes, if I’m able and willing to change something in this point.


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Judgement and angerrrr – Day 690

vagebondWhere I separate myself from myself and go into judgement and anger against myself, my behavior. I project this onto other people of whom I expect that they are angry with me or judge me negatively
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate me from myself and establish a judgemental and angry relation with myself.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to assume that I probably did something wrong or strange in the eyes of other people and they’ll now judge me or be angry with me.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that I do something wrong and strange to myself by separating me from myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project this onto others who I perceive to judge me and be angry with me.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react to this projection by feeling even more strange and out of the ordinary and  being even more judgemental and angry with myself.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself out of fear of being judged and evoking anger
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself separate me from myself, going into judgment and anger. I see/realise/understand that this is the in initiation of the pattern. Instead I breathe and stand equal and one with myself
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself believing that others are judging me and being angry with me. I see/realise/understand that I am existing in and as this mind pattern. Instead I stand equal and one to them. If they have judgement or anger towards me it is about themselves, just projected unto me, like the judgment and anger that I suspect they have about me is my own that I project unto them.


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‘Evil Conversation’

evilI was part of a gathering and the other people were in an ongoing conversation. I was waiting for it to be over, like I had experienced myself many many times during my life. I was moving in myself between anger and desperation. I tried to forgive myself but I couldn’t. At some point I snapped and started to curse and throw stuff around. When I was calmed down, I had a long introspection to see what this was all about. Fortunately I had the assistance and support of Barbara who asked many to the point questions and suggested self-frogivenesses.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to access a memory as soon as a conversation between others goes on for some time where I was as a child amongst grown ups where they didn’t allow me to talk when they were in a conversation.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react with the experience of being excluded and so separate myself from myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that I must hold on to anger and despair to still be someone
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react with the experience of being negated in the moment where I was told to be quiet
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that another can negate me what means that I have no validity
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I now only have the choice to accept the self-definiton of ‘I’m the negated one with no validity’ or to go into anger and despair
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that from them not allowing me to say something that  I’m not valid
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to now think in ongoing conversations between others that I may not speak and that I’m not valid to partake and I thus manifest the pattern in myself where I immediately go into this idea of not being allowed to speak and not being valid thus not being able to partake in conversations
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create emptiness and aloneness in myself during ongoing conversations of others
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use anger and/or despair to fill myself with
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself feel overwhelmed by this pattern
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel myself victim to the anger
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience it as a unforgivable offence when grown ups tell me as a child to shut up
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel I have the right to be angry and that i need anger to stabilize myself and to feel alive
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself not live self-trust when others tell me to shut up
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not live self-care when others act careless by telling me to shut up
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to to not see/realize/understand that they exclude themselves from what I have to share
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create the self-definition and self-belief that ‘I am the one that is excluded’.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to each time others  have a conversation for some time I go into this self-definition
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to within this self-definition exclude me from myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into despair and give up on myself within this self-definition of ‘the excluded one’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into anger within this self-definition where I believe that anger is the way to express myself to be heard
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that i have to wait and sit it out when I am in the self-definition of ‘the excluded one’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not own up to myself but allow myself to be excluded from myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that ‘there’s no solution’ instead of seeing that this is spoken from despair and giving up on myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see removing myself as the solution instead of seeing that this is anger expression
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to exclude the others who are in a ongoing conversation as a point of ‘this is -apparently the norm so I now exclude you from me’ instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that this is spite expression
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to forget about myself where I believe that the others forget about me.
I don’t own up to myself, I can’t remember to have experienced myself differently in situations where others are in an ongoing conversation.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not participating in the conversation
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exclude myself when a conversation between others is going on for some time.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to wait and sit until I have excluded myself from the conversation
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project the excluding onto the others
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience that the others are captured by the conversation and are held hostage by it till it is done with them
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to now define the conversation as ‘not normal’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to now only see the solution of anger and despair
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that I lose myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in panic facing self-negation
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that I’m not able to walk through self-negation
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel wronged when others start a conversation next to me because I see a conversation as something we shouldn’t do because it holds authority over us and will exclude some
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that I lose you when you’re in a conversation with another/others because I become silent due to the pattern so the others are more alive and interesting
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that others are more interesting to you when you have a conversation with them because I go into the pattern where I invalidate myself when others have conversations
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that others are more interesting to you when you’re in a conversation with them because I go into the pattern where I negate myself, where I declare myself as not here/not alive
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that I am not allowed to speak up as myself but only may add some remarks that fit in the conversation
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that I may not question the conversation as such
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define a conversation as something where one must make oneself submissive to so that I cannot express myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that the conversation has an authority over me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create the experience that I must negate myself when another/others speak
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that the one that speaks the most is dominant, meaning the one that decides hat it’s about and for how long the conversation will linger on.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience a conversation as a competition where one must fight for space to express oneself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel it as unfair when another/others fill much more time in the conversation than I do.
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself defining a conversation as some evil entity that holds power over the participants and where I lose my people to and where one shouldn’t partake in or as short as possible. I see/realize/understand that this definition is a mind perspective. Instead I see that one can be directive in conversations all by oneself or together.
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself applying self-negation. I see/realize/understand that this is me as mind. Instead I stabilize myself in and as breath and I remain here
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself invalidating myself and not living the word self-care nor self-trust when I’m not asked into a conversation by others. I see/realize/understand that I get caught up in my mind. Instead I live the words self-care and self-trust
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself go into anger and despair in relation to a conversation by others. I see/realize/understand that these are solutions in/as mind. Instead I see how I can direct the conversation in a way that’s best for all
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself sitting and waiting till a conversation is over. I see/realize/understand that I’m living a pattern in my mind. Instead I involve myself right at the beginning of the conversation to decide upon it if and how it is best for all
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself believing that I lose you to a conversation and that you find your conversation partner more interesting. I see/realize/understand that this is a mind perspective. Instead I see for myself if the conversation is of interest to me and from here I decide if I partake or if I ask the others to please wrap it up.
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself believing that I will be lost to the evil entity that is ‘the conversation’. I see/realize/understand that this is a projection from the mind which is the ‘evil entity’ where in I’m caught up. Instead I bring myself breathing here in the physical moment
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself feeling wronged when others start a conversation next to me. I see/realize/understand that I wrong myself by accessing the reaction pattern in my mind. Instead I see what it is about  and I direct myself/what is here as the conversation in a way that’s best for all
 I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself judging myself for not partaking in the conversation. I see/realize/understand that this is ma as mind. Instead I could ask if they want to talk without me or that this is not the case
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself defining myself in relation to a conversation by others as the excluded one that needs anger and despair to be.
I see/realize/understand that these are mind solutions to a mind definition. Instead I define myself as breath here and I express myself in a way that’s best for all. Investigating as to how we will converse, just them, or me included. Keeping it short or elaborated.
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself submitting myself to the one that speaks the most. I see/realize/understand that this is me as mind. Instead I realize equality and oneness and I address the point of inequality
“hey could you wrap it up? I want to see what I could say about the subject and I need space for that.” is what I get suggested as a solution to prevent myself from excluding myself from what is here and from myself. I will see if that works for me.
“I need to concentrate. Can you wrap up the conversation? Or shall we split for the duration there of? Or do you want me to partake?/Or could I partake? (if I don’t need to continue concentrating perse)
I forgive the parents and their friends, the grown ups to be caught up in the mind and not seeing me here
At night I discussed everything with the others and everything was clarified. The next day a complete change was here. I was able to partake self-directive in the conversation and when I heard them talk from the other room I didn’t have the usual reactions. So I’m really satisfied with myself in this process of self-change.


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Killing the life in me – Day 672

kiesMy molar started to ache. But why…? I moved my attention into the area and investigated ‘how does it feel here’? I found anger! Investigating further I saw that anger is at the basis of many of my actions. I apparently believed that I needed anger to activate myself. I decided to forgive myself but in the moment I started I found myself switching into self-pity, where I felt like crying. I tried again and the same happened. It occurred to me that I was caught in a polarity construct. I tried it the other way round and yes, concentrating on self-pity evoked anger! So I needed to hold both in my awareness at the same time and forgive them altogether. And so I did. I walked through the polarity breathing and came out at the other side so to speak. I remained vigilant because this was so much ‘who/how I am’ that there probably were more aspects to come. And so it was. I walked through those in the moment.
The next day I lived with my new awareness of anger being at the basis of many of my actions. And so I noticed during the day when I would feel anger coming up automatically as an old habit of which I now could say: hey, I don’t need you anymore, I can breathe and act from breath. This took and still takes practice.
Then late in the afternoon I found what was behind this anger. I was trying to understand the information someone was presenting to me and I saw how I was basically ‘killing myself’, killing the life in me as an ultimate offer to have knowledge and information. This reminded me much of school, where I felt that my life force as a child was used up for dead knowledge and information that had no relevance for living a life on Earth. How come that I accepted and allowed it…?
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to kill my life force to have knowledge and information.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself as life in order to exist in and as knowledge and information
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that I don’t deserve life anymore since I gave up life for knowledge and information
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to derive self-pity from giving up on myself/my life
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to derive anger from killing my life
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist in and as the polarity construct of ‘killing my life’ versus ‘giving up on myself/my life’
From killing my life force I derive laughter in decadence and from giving up on my life I derive desperation.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be limited in taking in information and knowledge
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that I am limited in and as fear and project this onto information and knowledge
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself existing in and as the polarity ‘killing my life’ versus ‘giving up on my life’. I see/realize/understand that this is a construct in my mind. Instead I exist in and as breath and I live the word ‘mildness’
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself fearing that I’ll be limited in understanding knowledge and information. I see/realize/understand that fear is the limitation in and as mind. Instead I keep breathing to keep my awareness.
So today, the next day, I face this point of killing and giving up the life in me. It was hard to get the polarity in my awareness in it’s totality. The points seemed to be very far apart. Anyways I forgive it/walk through it.


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Am I angry with my partner? – Dag 633

angerIn having a partner in my life I sense a lightness in myself that seems to me one side of a polarity. To investigate the other side of it I put up some Death Metal. After one hour I come to the conclusion that I was suppressing anger within our contact. To find out what the anger is about I bring Anger here in and as myself and I see what I want to express in and as Anger pertaining to my partner. And i take responsibility for it by self-forgiving this pattern that I’ve lived many times.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be angry with my partner that her presence in my life is the disturbance of my calm and orderly life as I know it.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame her for disturbing by entering my life!
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think in anger ‘how does she dare to disturb my life!’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame it on her that I now must  think about matters that would otherwise not be of any concern to me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that she manipulates me with her femininity to have me open up my life to her
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that she makes me weak
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame myself that I haven’t resisted her
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that I am ‘fallen in to lateness’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to regret that my life isn’t the same anymore
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame my partner that I need to make changes for her in my life!
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist in and as the polarity ‘wanting the new experiences with her’ <-> ‘wanting my life to remain as is’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel shame towards the other people that I know for giving in to this partnering with her
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel indifferent to what will become of me now that a partner is in my life
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think that I let her decide what will happen to my life
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to let her do what she must do and to just wait till she’s done with me.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to accept that I now lose myself until she disappears from my life and that I will return to/as myself after that
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to find her stupid to engage with me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel danger when I would express these self-forgivenesses to her and that I should keep them a secret
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think that I know that it’ll disappoint her and that this thing we have going on is over immediately
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think I’m not the one for a relationship
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think that I therefor shouldn’t engage in relationships
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think that I am making the same mistake as so many times before
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think that I must give my life a different direction, away from her
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel I must avoid her
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that women cannot be trusted within relationships
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think that I must not show any kindness to her
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think that I must find ways to get rid of her
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think that I must act cold heartedly and with anger and irritation towards her
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed about these thoughts and emotions
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that I must make up to her for these negativity towards her
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that I must move myself into a positive mood to approach her and that everything will be fine then
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as the polarity ‘angry with her’ <-> ‘positive towards her’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is all to complicated for me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that I am the victim within this situation
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that I have been duped by ‘God’ into this mess
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that I cannot solve this
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must wait and see how everything will turn out and that whatever is the outcome it’ll be ‘God’s Will’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel a bit silly that I have this all going on in myself
Finally I can laugh about it!