martijndegraaf1001

Reis naar Leven


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Mapping out Self-judgement – Day 694

mappingI forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not productive at times
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see me judging myself as such. I see/realise/understand that it is a function of myself as mind. Instead I have a practical common sensical look at my goals and the available time and the actions that I could take to decide what to do
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to flee away from tasks as to not having to face that I don’t do them.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that I flee away from self-judgment
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to flee away from self-judgment
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that fleeing away from it works contra-productive
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself fleeing away from self-judgement. I see/realise/understand that I let myself be directed by a reaction in and as my mind. Instead I see into me what the self-judgemnt is about as a point of self-care
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not having clearly outlined future plans.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to interpret this as ‘I am not grounded’, ‘I am uncertain’, ‘I’m not taking care of myself’
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see me judging myself for not having clearly outlined future plans. I see/realise/understand that it is me as mind. Instead I see what I can get clear and where I need to do research and where questions remain unanswered for now. I could write it out as further self-assistance
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as in self-doubt when you say I have a weird look on my face. I see/realise/understand that this is a automatic reaction. Instead I stop it in the moment and see what energy I’m participating in.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my physical feel to want sex and participate in a reaction which causes me to look weird. I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself going into reaction to my own physical feel and instead I voice this directly.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for living ignorant of my legal status.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for thinking and believing that I am just the person how people know me. Not seeing/realising/understanding that I am also determined as a legal entity of sorts.
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself judging myself for this. Instead I learn and get to know what I am as such, what that means for my life and wether I need to make changes
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not speaking German so well. I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself judging myself for not speaking German so well. Instead I listen to videos with German speakers and I use online lessons to exercize speech
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge my body shape as in comparing it to how my body had been most of my life. I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself comparing my body shape to its shape in former times. I see/realise/understand that comparing is a function of me as mind. Instead I have a look if my body is well cared for nutrition wise and I have a look if I am really comfortable as to how it feels.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge my body for not going upright. I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself judging my body for this. Instead I feel in my body how it would like to hold itself to come to its optimal functionality
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that I judge myself. I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself fearing self-judgment. I see/realise/understand that It is a reaction of me as mind. Instead I see into me wether there really is a judgement in fact and if so I forgive myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge my voice where I hear it as to high/unstable/uncertain. I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself judging my voice as such. Instead I see into me if my groundedness needs attention
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as part of humanity when I see horrific animal cruelty perpetrated by other humans. I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself judging myself as part of humanity in those cases. I see/realise/understand that judgement is a function of me as mind, it holds no real value. Instead I work on practical implementations that will eliminate animal cruelty on the long run.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when and as I see myself fearing the complexity of the administrative body of society.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear the complexity of the administrative body of society
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself fearing this complexity. I see/realise/understand that I react in and as mind. Instead I use my thought power to understand how it was put together and how I can handle it to work well.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as part of humanity when I realize the advancements that were made available by inventors but that got blocked by interest groups. I see/realise/understand that self-judgement is a completely useless design in my mind. Instead I investigate and support inventions to come forth as the solutions they provide.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as part of humanity where we haven’t made access to money equally available to all. I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see me judge myself as such. I see/realise/understand that judgement is completely useless here. Instead I research ways to implement an equal money system and work towards implementation there of.
Later on in the night A huge fear came up and I saw it was the fear of self-judgement. I breathed and remained till the energy of it had gone.


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Black Magic – Day 691

black magicI was walking with B on a sidewalk and a young man was walking in our direction. He was dressed in a black martial arts outfit and had some kind of silvery weapon holder attached to his belt. I looked at B and I saw a sudden emotional reaction on her face. Immediately I felt totally unstable, like I’m going to faint or vomit or both. We discussed what her reaction was and then I mentioned that mine was due to a pattern that KimA had pointed out, where I’ll react with fear to other people’s emotional reactions. So I forgave that but I remained as unstable as can be. What was the matter??
B said ‘maybe you reacted to this man as well?’ I saw into me and yes, to me he seemed to be a person that’s involved in ‘black magic’. I opened up the point assisted by B’s questions. It revealed that I started to believe in white and black magic forces when I was around 20. And I found that I since then had a dark forces compartment in my mind, lol, and every time I would hear of some evil deeds I would add energy to this compartment. I had separated myself from it as I saw dark forces as something to avoid. So I first had to forgive myself the separation (fear) to enable myself to look into this compartment. Then I forgave myself to have established it in my mind and the dark thing disappeared like a bursting soap bubble. I was speechless for a moment to see something that was real to me dissolve into nothing in an instance. Immediately I felt pretty stable and was able to enjoy the rest of the day. I decided to pay close attention to catch myself storing a dark forces energetic experience in my mind, to prevent the building up of a similar compartment. I realised that watching the movie ‘The Devil’s Advocate’ the day before had contributed to the accumulation of the energy to the point where it manifested itself as the projection of it unto this young man with the black martial art dress. And yes, there was a moment shortly after where I listened to a video about the horrible practice of children abducted and killed for ritualistic purposes where I saw myself making this inner movement as if saying ‘here are them dark forces at work for sure’, with the intention to store this in myself as ‘proof of their existence’. Instead I breathed till the energy was gone.


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Deep Fears – Day 662

fearThroughout my days moments occur where I sense a deep fear within myself.
Fear of the political climate becoming more extremely rightwing
Fear of ecological disaster due to climate change
Fear of financial insecurity, will I have the means to survive
Fear of the system, will I be confronted with limitations for my personal life due to new rules/regulations/laws
Fear of a person/other people that would want to harm me/my life
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that the political climate will become more and more right wing and that I won’t feel safe anymore
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that it is already so.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from what is already here as right wing attitude by going into fear
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself separate myself from what is here as right wing attitude by going into fear. I see/realize/understand that fear is a function of me as mind. Instead I stabilize myself in breathe and I do research into the causes of the rise of the right wing attitude, and I investigate with others how to prevent this in the future and we work together to create this change
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear ecological disaster due to climate change and I am not safe&secure anymore
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that ecological disaster is already happening
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from what is already here as ecological disaster by going into fear
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself separate myself from what is already here as ecological disaster by going into fear. I see/realize/understand that fear is a function of me as mind. Instead I stabilize myself in breathe and I investigate how we can restructure our society in a way that there will be life support for all who will be affected by ecological disasters.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear financial insecurity; ‘will I have the means to survive….?’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that it is already here, the whole economic system may collapse any time soon
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from what is already here as financial insecurity by going into fear
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself separate myself from what is here as financial insecurity by going into fear. I see/realize/understand that fear is a function of me as mind. Instead I stabilize myself in breathe so I can learn how to secure my finances to make sure I’ll have the means to survive, and to share with others the how to so that we can remain effective in creating change for all to have financial security in a new world system as life support
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself fear the system; ‘will I be confronted with limitations in my personal life due to new rules/regulations/laws….?’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that I already have experienced this
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from what is already here as more limitations within the system by going into fear
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself separate myself from what is here as more limitations within the system for my personal life by going into fear. I see/realize/understand that fear is a function of me as mind. Instead I see how to adapt my whereabouts to make sure that I can still receive support from the system for my life. In the mean time I can learn with others about the causes and how to change things the ‘without as the within’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that there are other people that want to harm me/my life
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that it is already so that other people want to harm me/my life, for instance with food additives, chemtrails, …
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from what is already here as harm to me/my life by going into fear
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself separate myself from what is here as harm to me/my life by going into fear. I see/realize/understand that fear is a function of myself as mind. Instead I stabilize myself in breathe so that I can see where and how I can prevent harm to myself and others and how I can learn from consequences and find and apply treatments to ease these


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Fear containment – Day 658

I had been coughing for some days and difficulty breathing. One evening I felt really pain in my body. In the night I woke up and I saw into myself. I found a small vertical ‘box’, like a coffin (coughing) in my chest which consisted of like frozen fear. I realized that I had been storing fear in it to suppress and control it. I saw that this gave me a sense of superiority and power. I used it as a point of stability. The next morning I went on opening up this point. I spoke out loud a series of self-forgivensses. First I had to ‘pave the way’ by removing points like fear of getting overwhelmed by the fear If I would let go of this containment. And the belief that this was a solution to fear. And the harm I’d done to my body. And so on. Then I came to the question ‘what fear is in it?’. I saw fear of withering away. Fear of not surviving. Images of me not able to protect myself from cold weather and suffering illnesses and diseases and slowly dying off due to poverty. So I forgave all of this. When I was done I felt a relief. A bit later I decided to write some self-commitments to make sure that I would have a new way of handling myself in place. Here are some. Later on the day there were two instances where I noticed in myself the habit of relying on this containment for my stability and the notice that it just wasn’t here anymore. So a cool confirmation that I had been effective.
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself go into superiority by suppressing and controlling fear. I see/realize/understand that this satisfies me as mind. Instead I see into me to reveal to me the nature of the fear and I forgive myself for existing in/as it
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself being angry with myself for existing in control and suppression of fear. I see/realize/understand that my mind finds it’s way to generate energy from my inner conflict. Instead I stabilize myself in breathe and I forgive myself the self-judgement
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself judge myself for existing within the polarity of fear opposed to anger. I see/realize/understand that it is a construct in my mind. Instead I stand one and equal to these parts of myself so that i transform fear into cautiousness and anger into determination.
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself fear that I’ll wither away in poverty. I see/realize/understand that it is pictures in my mind that generate fear for my mind to feed itself with. Instead I breathe till I’m stable and I make sure that I do everything that’s needed to take care of myself
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself believe that I rather kill myself than wait till circumstances on Earth kill me. I see/realize/understand that believing is a function of myself in and as the mind. Instead I direct myself.
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself accumulating fear in my chest. I see/realize/understand that I as the mind try and make a source of energy for myself. Instead I live in and as breath as source.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have this fear containment as a point of self stability.
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself use the fear contaiment as a point of self-stability. I see/realize/understand that that I rely on my mind. Instead I rely on myself.


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Martijn’s Reis naar Leven. Fear of losing myself in the work, self forgiveness. Dag 429

downloadI am here to share with you my fear of not getting the work done in time, removing the horse droppings from the paddock, that I will lose myself in the work and that I will have no time left for other things I planned. I feel anger towards the horses as if it’s their fault that I’m in fear and stress.

Processing:

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear I lose myself in the work I am doing

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that I lose myself when I fear in fear.

 

Within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project losing myself on to the work

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience stress fearing there will be no time left for other things I planned

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel anger towards the horses as if they are the cause of my fear and stress.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that I am angry at myself because I am lost in fear and stress and merely project this anger towards them.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be thinking all the time during the work.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to wonder why I cannot stop thinking. lol

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that wondering is the thin king (thinking).

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop and see/realize/understand that I need to forgive myself for fearing, for existing in and as fear. And to breathe instead and bring myself here in the moment in and as the work

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not forgive myself in the moment but instead go wondering in my mind.

 

I commit myself to when and as I see myself wondering why I cannot stop thinking, to stop and take a deep breath. And to see what it is I need to forgive myself.

 

I commit myself to when and as I see myself fearing that I will lose myself in the work, to stop and take a deep breath. And to forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear in every way and to bring myself here in the present moment to be able to act effectively and practically in a way that’s best for all.

 

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself feeling anger towards the horses, to stop and take a deep breath. And to see/realize/understand that I am projecting and stop this and to see into me where I am angry at myself.

I commit myself to not continue the work when I am caught up in fear and stress and anger, but to stop and take a deep breath and to take the time to process the emotions till I am here stable breathing in and as the work.