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Reis naar Leven


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Continuïteit van Leven en Zelf-bemoediging – Dag 700

Continuïteit van Leven
Plotseling moest J opgenomen worden in het ziekenhuis. De volgende dag zag ik haar daar op de intensive care, aangesloten aan apparatuur die haar leven moest redden. Wederom gebonden aan een ziekenhuisbed. Later buiten was ik een tijdlang erg treurig. Ik had moeite om ervan af te komen. Ik begon me af te vragen welk woord zou ik in plaats ervan kunnen leven. Na een tijdje puzzelen kwam ik erop: de ‘Continuation of Life’, oftewel ‘de continuïteit van Leven’. In plaats van in de emotie van treurigheid te gaan, adem ik. Aangezien de treurigheid ontmoedigend werkt is ‘Vastberadenheid’ een woord wat hier ook goed bij van pas komt.
Zelf-bemoediging
Ik merkte terwijl ik 5 minuten ademhalen deed om mijn lichaam voor een moment rust te geven van mijn aanwezigheid, dat er een onderstroom van gewoonlijke zelfveroordeling is. Ik keek er naar en vroeg me af ‘kan dat niet anders?’ Wat zou ik in plaats ervan kunnen leven en ik kwam op zelfbemoediging! Iets wat ik weinig praktiseer en het bleek meteen een remedie te zijn, mijn adem werd ruimer. En is zelfveroordeling mezelf iets afnemen, zelfbemoediging is mezelf iets geven.
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Self-preservation and self-expansion – Day 699

Self-preservation
I noticed that I missed something, Ia lack of sorts, I felt it in my body, my head was slightly forward en my neck felt exposed, asking for what? And I saw that I needed someone to hold their hand there to protect me and preserve my life. I realized that hey, I can give it to myself. This was new to me, all my life I had felt this need for protection and preservation. I started to give this to myself and it worked, I felt preserved and protected. I kept my focus on it for a few days to make it normal.
Self-expansion
I woke up in the night from a dream. I was in a stable standing with my back to a wall and before me a beautiful yellowish cow, I stroke it’s neck and it moved a bit and suddenly I feared that I might be crushed. Immediately I woke up, feeling very claustrophobic. I didn’t get myself to calm down and I left the bed and didn’t go to bed anymore. Seeing into me I found the cause. The day before I had had some spare time and I decided to watch some entertaining videos. In doing so I had moved myself into a confined, limited ‘space’ for myself. Claustrophobically small. So in looking for a word to live as solution I came up with ‘self-expansion’. I’m still busy implementing this word for myself. When I have some spare time, I take a deep breath and rather look what I could do to expand on my capabilities, insights, activities.


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The law and my enslavement – Day 698

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel upset that measures were decided upon without legal ground and nevertheless executed.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed the creation of all kind of laws and such which led to the total enslavement of me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to remain totally unaware of the creation of my enslavement
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe the manipulations and deceptions that were used
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use manipulations and deception myself and therefor wasn’t able to stand up to those of others.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not question why so many acts would be necessary
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to let myself be deceived by myself thinking that everything will probably be ok and taken care of
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to let des-interest sneak in
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see the power of these written words and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can always speak up and declare what my rights are from a feeling of what is just and rightful and to believe that my words will then prevail.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that the words spoken by a living human being are worth more than the words on a piece of paper
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can always prove my innocense based on common sense
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that the words on paper don’t apply to me because I never read them and never signed them, was never asked nor informed, don’t have my approval
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to unconsciously let myself be directed by the principle ‘if I don’t protest I consent’ pertaining these official legislation
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that I create self-overwhelmingness by giving my acceptance for how this works and then spite the whole by thinking ‘I don’t care’.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to never have considered how I would like to have the process to create legislation to be
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to ‘bow my head’ for the perceived authority of legislators, not seeing/realising/understanding that I myself have the authority that I perceive in them, that I just project it outwardly onto them.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself not to heed the Roman saying ‘caviat  initius…the ‘policy of small steps’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not live the correction where I stop every little participation in the mind which add up to a construct within which I am entrapped and within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to let the same happen in the outer world
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that the disempowerment towards legislation starts with the inner allowances towards the mind
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not have exerted my authority where it comes to legislation
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have split myself in a point of authority versus a point of dis-empowerment
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create friction and conflict which only serves the mind and not the living man, within myself and so in the outer
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have a world where killing is a way for the ruling powers to execute their plans
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have legal acts sound beneficial for the people which only lead to further enslavement
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that I as mind speak words that seem to value another person while all the while they are binding them. Like in the song where is said ‘I cannot live without you’ which sound as proof of love and validation but in fact hold a claim on the other person
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that the deceptive language of the legal acts is the outer manifestation of this
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that what the powers that be do to maintain and further develop their powers is exactly the same what people do in their minds towards other people in their personal life: making secret thoughts about them and attaching qualifications to them without them knowing it
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manifest as a person, not seeing/realising/understanding that I in doing so have an entity acting in my name
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have the person as a extremely limited version of myself and to have this manifested in the outer where in law I am reduced to mere chattel property
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist in and as the containment of the mind, separated from my physical and to have this manifested in the outer as the containment field of the civil body within which I am lifted off the land


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Fear of harming others – Day 696

perfectionI forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have this undercurrent of fear of harming another/others when I would be in a position of importance in their lives
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to therefor rather be unimportant to others
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to cause tension in my body from this fear
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to therefor rather do nothing of importance whatsoever
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to unconsciously accumulate the urge to do the opposite, to do something of importance all the time
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to distant myself from people who do important things and to feel comfortable with people who do nothing special
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to rather live in my comfort zone of doing nothing specifically important than taking on an important task out of fear of doing harm to others/another/myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to therefor don’t want others to play an important role in my life because i don’t want to bring them in a position where they, like me would be able to cause harm.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see myself as a person not to be taken too seriously
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel I don’t matter much
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed in myself
I redefine comfort as in doing nothing of importance into being comfortable with myself and my body here while being self-directive


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Mapping out Self-judgement – Day 694

mappingI forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not productive at times
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see me judging myself as such. I see/realise/understand that it is a function of myself as mind. Instead I have a practical common sensical look at my goals and the available time and the actions that I could take to decide what to do
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to flee away from tasks as to not having to face that I don’t do them.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that I flee away from self-judgment
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to flee away from self-judgment
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that fleeing away from it works contra-productive
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself fleeing away from self-judgement. I see/realise/understand that I let myself be directed by a reaction in and as my mind. Instead I see into me what the self-judgemnt is about as a point of self-care
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not having clearly outlined future plans.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to interpret this as ‘I am not grounded’, ‘I am uncertain’, ‘I’m not taking care of myself’
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see me judging myself for not having clearly outlined future plans. I see/realise/understand that it is me as mind. Instead I see what I can get clear and where I need to do research and where questions remain unanswered for now. I could write it out as further self-assistance
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as in self-doubt when you say I have a weird look on my face. I see/realise/understand that this is a automatic reaction. Instead I stop it in the moment and see what energy I’m participating in.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my physical feel to want sex and participate in a reaction which causes me to look weird. I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself going into reaction to my own physical feel and instead I voice this directly.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for living ignorant of my legal status.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for thinking and believing that I am just the person how people know me. Not seeing/realising/understanding that I am also determined as a legal entity of sorts.
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself judging myself for this. Instead I learn and get to know what I am as such, what that means for my life and wether I need to make changes
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not speaking German so well. I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself judging myself for not speaking German so well. Instead I listen to videos with German speakers and I use online lessons to exercize speech
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge my body shape as in comparing it to how my body had been most of my life. I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself comparing my body shape to its shape in former times. I see/realise/understand that comparing is a function of me as mind. Instead I have a look if my body is well cared for nutrition wise and I have a look if I am really comfortable as to how it feels.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge my body for not going upright. I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself judging my body for this. Instead I feel in my body how it would like to hold itself to come to its optimal functionality
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that I judge myself. I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself fearing self-judgment. I see/realise/understand that It is a reaction of me as mind. Instead I see into me wether there really is a judgement in fact and if so I forgive myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge my voice where I hear it as to high/unstable/uncertain. I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself judging my voice as such. Instead I see into me if my groundedness needs attention
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as part of humanity when I see horrific animal cruelty perpetrated by other humans. I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself judging myself as part of humanity in those cases. I see/realise/understand that judgement is a function of me as mind, it holds no real value. Instead I work on practical implementations that will eliminate animal cruelty on the long run.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when and as I see myself fearing the complexity of the administrative body of society.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear the complexity of the administrative body of society
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself fearing this complexity. I see/realise/understand that I react in and as mind. Instead I use my thought power to understand how it was put together and how I can handle it to work well.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as part of humanity when I realize the advancements that were made available by inventors but that got blocked by interest groups. I see/realise/understand that self-judgement is a completely useless design in my mind. Instead I investigate and support inventions to come forth as the solutions they provide.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as part of humanity where we haven’t made access to money equally available to all. I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see me judge myself as such. I see/realise/understand that judgement is completely useless here. Instead I research ways to implement an equal money system and work towards implementation there of.
Later on in the night A huge fear came up and I saw it was the fear of self-judgement. I breathed and remained till the energy of it had gone.


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Never again take care of plants – Day 692

plantCorrecting myself in this point.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I shouldn’t take care of a plant because they all eventually die in my care
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the memory of trees I felt connected to, being felled
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the memory where four plants that I started to care for were cut of
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I would start to grow a plant from a seed too much can go wrong so I better not even start with that
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have agreed with myself that it’s better I never take care of a plant because I couldn’t stand see one die again
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think it’s a trap when I would start growing a plant
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel very angry with myself in my relation to growing plants
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in emotions of destruction and imaginations of the kind when I think of caring for a plant
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to expect a plant that I would grow to perish at some point due to something that I do wrong or due to things happening to it that I do not control
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to distance myself from a plant seed that I would put in soil to avoid despair in the future of it.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that my life is not suitable for taking care of plants because sometimes I am a few days away and I cannot attend to it
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to imagine that the life of the plant will be over soon so that I have no worries about it anymore
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel distrust like I cannot trust plants instead of seeing that I project the distrust in myself as care taker of plants
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to distrust myself when it comes to taking care of plants
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have the opinion that other people with the necessary abilities must take care of plants, not me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could plant a seed as a joke, as entertainment
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think that plants must fend for themselves and not depend on human interference unless that’s people with the necessary abilities/talents so that nature can have it’s way
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think it would be stupid to have me grow a plant
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself believing that I should never seed a plant or take care of it. I see/realise/understand that it is a belief that I have created based on memories.
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself imagining that a plant in my care dies. I see/realise/understand that it is based on past experiences.
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself giving in to thoughts and imaginations of dying plants in my care and emotions generated by those thoughts and images.
Instead I inform myself about the plant to be able to take care of it to the best of my abilities.


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Black Magic – Day 691

black magicI was walking with B on a sidewalk and a young man was walking in our direction. He was dressed in a black martial arts outfit and had some kind of silvery weapon holder attached to his belt. I looked at B and I saw a sudden emotional reaction on her face. Immediately I felt totally unstable, like I’m going to faint or vomit or both. We discussed what her reaction was and then I mentioned that mine was due to a pattern that KimA had pointed out, where I’ll react with fear to other people’s emotional reactions. So I forgave that but I remained as unstable as can be. What was the matter??
B said ‘maybe you reacted to this man as well?’ I saw into me and yes, to me he seemed to be a person that’s involved in ‘black magic’. I opened up the point assisted by B’s questions. It revealed that I started to believe in white and black magic forces when I was around 20. And I found that I since then had a dark forces compartment in my mind, lol, and every time I would hear of some evil deeds I would add energy to this compartment. I had separated myself from it as I saw dark forces as something to avoid. So I first had to forgive myself the separation (fear) to enable myself to look into this compartment. Then I forgave myself to have established it in my mind and the dark thing disappeared like a bursting soap bubble. I was speechless for a moment to see something that was real to me dissolve into nothing in an instance. Immediately I felt pretty stable and was able to enjoy the rest of the day. I decided to pay close attention to catch myself storing a dark forces energetic experience in my mind, to prevent the building up of a similar compartment. I realised that watching the movie ‘The Devil’s Advocate’ the day before had contributed to the accumulation of the energy to the point where it manifested itself as the projection of it unto this young man with the black martial art dress. And yes, there was a moment shortly after where I listened to a video about the horrible practice of children abducted and killed for ritualistic purposes where I saw myself making this inner movement as if saying ‘here are them dark forces at work for sure’, with the intention to store this in myself as ‘proof of their existence’. Instead I breathed till the energy was gone.