martijndegraaf1001

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Anger and Hate – Day 695

Screen Shot 2016-07-12 at 12.33.44I had a kinesiology session with KimA and I needed to find two memories because In those moments in the past when I was 15 years old I created/allowed programs in my mind. These programs activate and from it I create sarcasm, hate, anger and jealousy. I didn’t have a means to handle those and the ‘solution’ that I found was to enjoy these emotions when they would come up. I want to correct these points in myself because it affects my body, they cause sinusitis. I didn’t even recognize the emotions as being anger and hate before the session. But I came to see that the anger I feel in my forehead and the hate I feel in my belly.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel anger towards myself for allowing the dog to run too far away
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for not speaking up when the leader of the group shouted about my hair.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be angry with myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hate myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be angry with my body for not moving so quickly as it used to
It’s funny, when I lived the correction, I was able to move faster haha
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be angry with me and my situation still being in the grant
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be angry with myself and just let it be
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not recognize my anger towards myself as anger
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to enjoy being angry with myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel intimidated when another person says something about me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that I need to keep my mouth shut when another person says something about me.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to start to hate myself when I don’t know what to say
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see how I can direct without using anger
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel clumsy with the situation that the leader shouted and I didn’t know hat to say
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel intimidated due to the loudness of his voice
Ik vergeef mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard te hebben me aangetast te voelen in mijn waardigheid door zijn opmerking en de manier waarop hij die uitte
Ik vergeef mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard te hebben niet te zien/te begrijpen/me te realiseren dat een ander zich onsterfelijk belachelijk maakt door over mij te spreken zonder te weten waarover/over wie hij/zij het heeft
Ik vergeef mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard te hebben mezelf gekwetst en beschadigd te voelen wanneer een ander over mij spreekt
Ik vergeef mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard te hebben kwaad te worden op mezelf wanneer ik mij gekwetst en beschadigd voel
Ik vergeef mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard te hebben mezelf te haten als ik niet weet wat te zeggen in zulke momenten.
Ik neem me voor om in zulke momenten iets te zeggen in de trant van ‘ik zou mezelf kunnen haten om wat je hier zegt’ of andere creatieve oplossingen afhankelijk van het gezelschap waarin ik me bevind.
Ik zeg natuurlijk ook zelf dingen over mezelf in mijn gedachten die maken dat ik mezelf haat of boos wordt op mezelf. Dus dat is nog een aandachtspuntje.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to live in and as sarcasm
This I need to see in the moments where it is here as me. It’s a bit all over the place.
Jealousy is what I keep going/existing because I can be jealous of people who are very active or who have reached important goals and within this ‘declare’ that I’m not so active and striving as them and keep myself on a diminished version of myself that I feel comfortable with.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to remain in and as jealousy for me to be in my comfort zone
I’ll have to see how that goes, if I’m able and willing to change something in this point.


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Mapping out Self-judgement – Day 694

mappingI forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not productive at times
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see me judging myself as such. I see/realise/understand that it is a function of myself as mind. Instead I have a practical common sensical look at my goals and the available time and the actions that I could take to decide what to do
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to flee away from tasks as to not having to face that I don’t do them.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that I flee away from self-judgment
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to flee away from self-judgment
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that fleeing away from it works contra-productive
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself fleeing away from self-judgement. I see/realise/understand that I let myself be directed by a reaction in and as my mind. Instead I see into me what the self-judgemnt is about as a point of self-care
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not having clearly outlined future plans.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to interpret this as ‘I am not grounded’, ‘I am uncertain’, ‘I’m not taking care of myself’
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see me judging myself for not having clearly outlined future plans. I see/realise/understand that it is me as mind. Instead I see what I can get clear and where I need to do research and where questions remain unanswered for now. I could write it out as further self-assistance
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as in self-doubt when you say I have a weird look on my face. I see/realise/understand that this is a automatic reaction. Instead I stop it in the moment and see what energy I’m participating in.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my physical feel to want sex and participate in a reaction which causes me to look weird. I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself going into reaction to my own physical feel and instead I voice this directly.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for living ignorant of my legal status.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for thinking and believing that I am just the person how people know me. Not seeing/realising/understanding that I am also determined as a legal entity of sorts.
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself judging myself for this. Instead I learn and get to know what I am as such, what that means for my life and wether I need to make changes
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not speaking German so well. I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself judging myself for not speaking German so well. Instead I listen to videos with German speakers and I use online lessons to exercize speech
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge my body shape as in comparing it to how my body had been most of my life. I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself comparing my body shape to its shape in former times. I see/realise/understand that comparing is a function of me as mind. Instead I have a look if my body is well cared for nutrition wise and I have a look if I am really comfortable as to how it feels.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge my body for not going upright. I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself judging my body for this. Instead I feel in my body how it would like to hold itself to come to its optimal functionality
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that I judge myself. I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself fearing self-judgment. I see/realise/understand that It is a reaction of me as mind. Instead I see into me wether there really is a judgement in fact and if so I forgive myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge my voice where I hear it as to high/unstable/uncertain. I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself judging my voice as such. Instead I see into me if my groundedness needs attention
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as part of humanity when I see horrific animal cruelty perpetrated by other humans. I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself judging myself as part of humanity in those cases. I see/realise/understand that judgement is a function of me as mind, it holds no real value. Instead I work on practical implementations that will eliminate animal cruelty on the long run.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when and as I see myself fearing the complexity of the administrative body of society.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear the complexity of the administrative body of society
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself fearing this complexity. I see/realise/understand that I react in and as mind. Instead I use my thought power to understand how it was put together and how I can handle it to work well.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as part of humanity when I realize the advancements that were made available by inventors but that got blocked by interest groups. I see/realise/understand that self-judgement is a completely useless design in my mind. Instead I investigate and support inventions to come forth as the solutions they provide.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as part of humanity where we haven’t made access to money equally available to all. I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see me judge myself as such. I see/realise/understand that judgement is completely useless here. Instead I research ways to implement an equal money system and work towards implementation there of.
Later on in the night A huge fear came up and I saw it was the fear of self-judgement. I breathed and remained till the energy of it had gone.


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Crisis management – Day 693

crisisMy leg was still hurting from an accident and then I had the roots of a molar removed, also my elbow would hurt when I bent it and I feared possible consequences from the change of course that I had given to my life, all in all I had brought myself in a apparent crisis and my body reacted with dizziness, nausea and diarrhea. After three days I decided that I had to stop it, because it didn’t ‘go away’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel a fear attack
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not know the source
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear the wrath of the system
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear perishing
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear to face the wrath of the system
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must keep myself in a grid to have an acceptable placement in the system
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear stepping out of the construct that I had placed myself within as an acceptable member for the societal system
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I’ll be in a crisis situation in the future
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to expect a crisis situation any time
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to look out for and intrpret signs that a crisis situation is starting to unfold
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to already place a tension on my forehead as if looking into vast difficulties and trying to see a way through
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fantasize crisis situations that might occur
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that the voice of the other indicates that there is a crisis situation
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to perceive that the behavior of the other indicates that there is a crisis situation
After this I kept looking for any other signs that would restart or re-install the crisis program in myself, and delete them in the moment. I noticed for instance a ‘pull’ to my belly that would weaken it’s normal state and cause it to go into diarhea. A similar ‘pull’ occurred to my middle and lower part of my face which would have caused me to break into emotions of sadness and self-pity.
This way I was able to return to normal in a few hours time


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Black Magic – Day 691

black magicI was walking with B on a sidewalk and a young man was walking in our direction. He was dressed in a black martial arts outfit and had some kind of silvery weapon holder attached to his belt. I looked at B and I saw a sudden emotional reaction on her face. Immediately I felt totally unstable, like I’m going to faint or vomit or both. We discussed what her reaction was and then I mentioned that mine was due to a pattern that KimA had pointed out, where I’ll react with fear to other people’s emotional reactions. So I forgave that but I remained as unstable as can be. What was the matter??
B said ‘maybe you reacted to this man as well?’ I saw into me and yes, to me he seemed to be a person that’s involved in ‘black magic’. I opened up the point assisted by B’s questions. It revealed that I started to believe in white and black magic forces when I was around 20. And I found that I since then had a dark forces compartment in my mind, lol, and every time I would hear of some evil deeds I would add energy to this compartment. I had separated myself from it as I saw dark forces as something to avoid. So I first had to forgive myself the separation (fear) to enable myself to look into this compartment. Then I forgave myself to have established it in my mind and the dark thing disappeared like a bursting soap bubble. I was speechless for a moment to see something that was real to me dissolve into nothing in an instance. Immediately I felt pretty stable and was able to enjoy the rest of the day. I decided to pay close attention to catch myself storing a dark forces energetic experience in my mind, to prevent the building up of a similar compartment. I realised that watching the movie ‘The Devil’s Advocate’ the day before had contributed to the accumulation of the energy to the point where it manifested itself as the projection of it unto this young man with the black martial art dress. And yes, there was a moment shortly after where I listened to a video about the horrible practice of children abducted and killed for ritualistic purposes where I saw myself making this inner movement as if saying ‘here are them dark forces at work for sure’, with the intention to store this in myself as ‘proof of their existence’. Instead I breathed till the energy was gone.


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Judgement and angerrrr – Day 690

vagebondWhere I separate myself from myself and go into judgement and anger against myself, my behavior. I project this onto other people of whom I expect that they are angry with me or judge me negatively
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate me from myself and establish a judgemental and angry relation with myself.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to assume that I probably did something wrong or strange in the eyes of other people and they’ll now judge me or be angry with me.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that I do something wrong and strange to myself by separating me from myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project this onto others who I perceive to judge me and be angry with me.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react to this projection by feeling even more strange and out of the ordinary and  being even more judgemental and angry with myself.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself out of fear of being judged and evoking anger
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself separate me from myself, going into judgment and anger. I see/realise/understand that this is the in initiation of the pattern. Instead I breathe and stand equal and one with myself
I commit myself to stop and to breathe when and as I see myself believing that others are judging me and being angry with me. I see/realise/understand that I am existing in and as this mind pattern. Instead I stand equal and one to them. If they have judgement or anger towards me it is about themselves, just projected unto me, like the judgment and anger that I suspect they have about me is my own that I project unto them.


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Redefining words – Star – Day 689

woredsI forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see how star could be a word for life
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see star as a white hot mass that’s without any life
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see star as something you cannot even come near
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see star as a tiny flickering light very, very far away
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see myself as a star
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word star
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see what the word star could mean to me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to discard star as a word that’s applicable to me by a star being too hot and too far away
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not consider that a star creates itself into existence from the material that’s here and available
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see myself as equal to a star in this regard
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see myself as not equal to a star because of our difference in size and physical appearances
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react with irritation and disbelief to the recording by Anu
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have the opinion that Anu doesn’t make sense with his word redefinition plan
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have the opinion that I’ll never be able to live redefinitions
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that living redefinitions is as far away from me as a star
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have the opinion that calling something a star means that it is out of my reach
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to seek for ways to discredit Anu
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to accumulate anger about redefining words
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see the importance of redefining and living words
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel sad and powerless when it comes to the prospect of living words
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that it is not necessary in process to redefine and live words because in the beginning I never heard of it
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fee that the process of redefining and living words is being forced upon me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that it’s just to much to also redefine words
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see living words as myself
een begrip – the concept
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that I mustn’t give in to redefining and living words
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that I would give up my strength by doing this process
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I would lose me in this process
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that it is just too much to handle
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I resist redefining and living words I remain strong
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that this is a resistance personality
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist in and as this ‘resistance against the process of redefining and living words personality’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that I would lose my pride and self respect when I would redefine words
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel attached to my current definitions of words
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to remain in my comfort zone as how I have defined words for myself and live them
Nevertheless there are moments where I don’t achieve what I want because of the way I have defined my words
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that I by times don’t achieve what I want due to my current definitions of the words that I live


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Objections against responsibility – Day 688

Responsibility, the word, what comes up:
feeling tired
giving up
sudden weakness in the muscles
a blanc
a waiting
anger as in being vulnerable to critique
never doing/being good enough
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel tired when hearing the word responsibility
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel like giving up/walking away when I hear the word responsibility
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have a weakness reaction in my muscles hearing the word responsibility
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go in a blanc in my mind hearing the word responsibility
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of waiting when I hear the word responsibility
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become angry hearing the word responsibility because I fear that I’m vulnerable to critique when I’m participating in responsibility
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to to see myself as doing/being not good enough when hearing the word responsibility
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience responsibility as a trap where in I am alone with my responsibility and will be unable to fullfill expectations
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think anyone who says otherwise is insane/mistaken
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think I’ll never change my opinion on the word responsibility
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that I’m safe and secure as long as I don’t live the word responsibility
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I live the word responsibility life becomes complicated and a burden
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear to live the word responsibility
Responsible living means to me that I am present in what I do and don’t do to make sure that it is best for all. And in what I hadn’t been present in I bring it here and I make myself present in it to decide if it is acceptable or not.